BACK IN UK

I've abandon my blog for awhile...as usual, there are too many things to do and yet, too little time. but I managed to get away from the hussle and bussle of that small town. It is good to have a break when all of the sudden, you feel free like a bird. Well, not really...but I try to use my time to think less of work and more of myself. Good to be back where there are many familiar faces around - and updating news of friends around here - people got married, having children, moved.. so many things have changed and I've only been away for a year or so.

It is very cold in Swansea these past few days. The smell of colored leaves on the ground really brings back the memory of winter and life as a graduate student. It surely was stressful but when someone mentioned that given even 1 million, no one would want to do PhD for the second time, I said I would do it. I don't know. It is good to live without any specific schedule. At work, you need to deal with too many things - sometimes you think that they must be crazy assigning you with lots of tasks all at the same time. Do they think that you are a robot? I hate being in those group of people who live for their work. I work to live - I have alot of other important things in life that are of higher priority like family. Surely, going back to UK is all about family.... and today, is another successful day for the family. God is most merciful and kind.

It was drizzling and cold early this morning. I was waiting for a bus -not a common thing for me.. I've been driving around before and now, i am less mobile. Those ladies and gentlemen who waited at the bus stop were surely friendly. That lady told me of a famous phrase among these 'bus waiters' - watched kettle never boils! In Swansea, most of the users of their transportation system are elderly people (and of course, university students)... the lady who talked to me stopped driving and become a regular bus rider. They all seem kind and friendly.

Back at the university mosque, things are much as it was.. people are kind and although there are many new faces, it still feels like home. Sheikh Mohsen is clever as ever with his words. his children's english is so much better than before. They have quran class yesterday, charity activities last week.. still tafseer class every Monday but yesterday, the class was cancelled and so many other activities on the board showing their motivation and enthusiasm in working with the student/community. Someone took shahadah a few days back and it was funny yesterday, when she told us that she was playing with a wet dog before she came to the mosque and we were like dumbstruck but still all smiling! Not that it is prohibited but we try to avoid dogs when they are wet. she said the dog was so cute and she simply forgot.. so the dog was all over her ;)

Amir met most of his schoolmates.. he must be very happy! i know he missed them so much.

many things happened today.... and i feel like tired now but I had to walk or take a bus home. So I better pack up my things now. It has been a long day but certainly, it feels good to be back in UK!!!

Oh.. We might have a small celebration party later today ;;;)

WHAT SHOULD I DO WHEN I MISS YOU?

When I am writing this article, you are already on the plane back to Leeds. Time flies so fast, I couldn’t believe the two months of your stay has passed. When you were here, I look at you sleeping in your room and I feel like you have always been there. It feels good to have you at home – having children at home is simply NICE.

It is amazing that Allah send children to parents with their own characters – perhaps there are many factors that contribute to the forming of characters (I won’t go into that!). Imagine my parents having to deal with 9 different characters. Of course, there are some similarities but one kid from another is different in many ways. Kak Long is the obedient and tolerant one - perhaps because she is the eldest. You, on the other hand, are charming with people with strong determination, very tidy and sometimes can be very fussy too. Amir is still playful, witty, clever at words and of course, like you, he can be naughty also. How lovely the three of you, all praise be to Allah, the Merciful.

I watch you grow… from a tiny baby in my arms to a poise medical student. You are so determined in whatever you do. I remember how proud I was when you were in Bishop Gore. The teachers told me that if all students are like you, they won’t have any problem. You were simply excellent. I believe the environment suits you and you continue to excel. I never have thought that you would also go into medical school like Kak Long (you have never talked about it before), but you did. I know it was a tough decision for us – the financial implication was too much but we are grateful to Allah for making this decision. Look at you now… I am happy that you are doing well and I pray to Allah that you will continue your hard work. Life is always a struggle, you have seen mine too, right? When people look at my two lovely girls, they wonder how I did it, How I brought you up? What was my secret? Well, we don't have secrets, only giving you the best opportunities one can have - good school, good circle of friends and of course, good Islamic environment. It is all Allah's work and your effort, Alhamdulillah! And I pray Amir will turn out well too, Ameen.

Although you spent a lot of time outside, doing community/dakwah work, I am happy to know that you have spent your holiday well – not counting the shopping that you did ;) in between your hectic schedule. I envy your determination.. just look at all the books you took with you on the plane!!!

Looking at you leaving last night, breaks my heart. But I know that you can take good care of yourself. This is one of your strength – a good network of friends around you so I do not need to worry. I pray to Allah that He will continue giving you strength, and help you in your struggle towards success. Although I am sad whenever I pass your empty bedroom, I am certain that you will find happiness wherever you go, insya’Allah. Before you go, I asked you, “What should I do when I miss you”, you answered, “Read the Quran”, and I will do just that.


Take care, princess. We love you so much!

A new beginning

It is not easy to manage a wedding. For a person who is constantly occupied with many different tasks at work, when my daughter expressed her intention of getting married, I was worried...not only worried about her future, whether or not she has chosen the so-called "Mr Right", but it was also about my time - whether or not I have enough time to plan everything. As we are all trying our best to follow the sunnah, I realise that it was my obligation to materialize it... soonest possible... so that it won't consume too much time and energy - trying to simplify things and if possible, exclude whichever procedures that are not relevant with islamic values. As marrige is a new beginning for a couple, it is best to make sure we follow all the islamic rules so that the marriage will be blessed. Of course, it takes alot of thinking and effort ... things are not that straight forward in life..



It started with a simple idea... but endup very nicely - quite proper and well managed. The nikah ceremony was very good where we followed the "keluarga sakinah" module- the newly wed couple, the mother and father had to read a prepared text - small advice to each other which was very benefitial. I was in tears reading my text...I just couldn't help it. Of course, kak long had to control her feelings.... (if not, the 1 hour make-up will be ruined!)



I am very grateful to Allah for everything.. the weather was good- it was not sunny at all - morning started with quite heavy rain...as if Allah wanted to take away the heat and cool down the temperature for the whole day. Despite the preparation for convocation at my university, many staff turned up- fulfilling their community obligations and of course, keeping the friendship alive. Friends and relatives came from as far as Penang and Kedah to be here...I enjoyed having everyone. Allah is great... in our hearts, he sent love for us to feel significant... I was touched. Deep in my heart, I feel that I have gathered many good friends, the best circle of friends one can wish for!



Today, we had a small reception at Katerina... small speech from Wan, your dad, myself, your auntie, uncle, kak Long and abang Long(Faizul). I saw on everyone's face happiness and love. That is what I wished for... how much I miss my dad on memorable occasions like this one.



To Kak Long my beloved daughter I want to say, I wish you all the best. There are things in life that a mother cannot give to her daughter... perfection. I can only do what Allah allows within my capacity.. I was married at a young age but I know, I have tried to be your best friend. If I have not done anything that I should have, not say/provide anything that I should have, I want to say "I am sorry, dear". I want to set the best example for you...I want to be the best mom, the best friend, the best advisor... but I am also learning still....be sure that I have tried my very best. Be a good wife... before you do anything, think wisely and seek for Allah's pleasure at all time so you will be rightfully guided. To my son-in-law, welcome to the family... I hope Allah will put our hearts together and together, we will all seek for Allah's pleasure, the ultimate happiness.



O Allah, the Most Kind, Most Merciful, help us to seek Your pleasure at all time, bestow upon us wisdom in choosing our path, help us to grow love and compassion for each other, help us to keep our hearts near, help us to be strong, to submit to you especially during the night hours, prostrating and standing, fearing the hereafter and hoping for Your mercy.

Oh Allah, Guide us with those whom You have guided, and strengthen us with those whom You have given strength, and take us to Your care with those whom You have taken to Your care, and Bless us in what You have given us.

To kak long and abang long,
Take all these prayers and motivation to start build your own family. I hope by now you are ready for a new beginning.....All the best, my love!

mama

Are we doing ok? Can we be victorious?

I've not written for sometime. Usually at time like this, my readers(not too many) will ask me to write something. Tonight, after rushing for many different tasks day after day, I am a bit relax at home - I've just hand in an assignment at a very last minute. Everything now is done at the last minute. At the very last minute, your ideas come rushing because you know that you just can't afford to wait anymore - so you strive hard and put more effort than you used to. Alhamdulillah.. so far, it works. But it is never good to procrastinate. I am reminding myself now over and over again. But usually you don't have any choice - there are too many things to do but too little time (?). Who's fault is that?

Talking about time... it makes me think about the time I am spending each day. Have I benefited what God has given me - time, health and wealth (don't think that Allah will ask about wealth only to millionaires.. we all have our own share of wealth). These 3 things are the most precious bounties in life that if you use them well, it can take you to your true destination of life - ALLAH. Have you ever feel pain and say to yourself... "Oh, hopefully it is not today... please, not now. I haven't done much" as if death will wait until you are ready. When I told this to a friend, he said "common, man! you are not a prophet!" (The death angles ask permission from prophets before their soul are taken). So the question is ARE WE DOING OK? I don't want to answer that question here - the question that I ask myself everyday now...

Friends - how do our friends feel about us. This is about relation with human beings. Do they think that you are kind? Or are you generous? Are you helpful? Are you respectful? Are you friendly to your customers/students/employers/colleagues.... Don't you feel like sometimes or most of the time you can't fit in. Like there are no more friends like it used to be. Where are all those friends that you enjoy to be with? Do you really need them or you can always find new circles of friends. Believe me.. the older you get..the more difficult it is to find kindred spirits... at least, I think so. You kinda think like... oh, he/she's not like.... you want people to be like those people you used to like. You kinda collect many preferences as you grow older - like collectible items they are - so precious, you don't want to let go. Am I getting philosophical?

Oh.. I come across this sentense - a letter written by a friend of Liyana. The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had (funny but nice).

How about our relation with Allah, the Creator? Have we learnt his words in the Holy book? I believe we all have to learn the language of the heaven. I guess we can never know what we are missing until we understand the arabic language and study His words. How unfortunate for us not knowing what He has commanded us, the glad tidings, the warnings, the stories... if we can eat the best food on earth and not just hear from someone describing how delicious the food is - big difference, eh? Allah said, "Those who listen to the word and follow, the best in it: those are the ones whom God has guided, and those are the ones endued with understanding". I believe every each one of us has to put an effort in studying the Arabic language. Allah won't mind that in the process of learning, death took you by surprise... then it probably is ok, wallahu a'lam.

To be able to say that we are ok... then we have to be in the process of learning at least. So why not we all put an effort to do something about this.... yes, why not???


Victory and Help go with calmness of mind,
Faith, fidelity, zeal and earnestness
not with greed, lukewarmness, or timidity,
Discipline and obedience are essential
for service. The rewards for service are not
to be measured by immediate results,
But accrue to countless hidden ways
For Patience and Restraint. Be strong
Against Evil, but kind and gentle amongst
Yourselves: the seed will grow and become
Strong, to your wonder and delight.

(From Quran Translation by Yusof Ali)

I believe we all can be victorious. Allah is indeed fair to everyone. That is why when we talk about happiness.. it doesn't take wealth to make someone happy. If wealth is the measure of happiness, wouldn't it be unfair? But happiness is truely from your inner self - which everyone is capable of achieving. It takes time but the seed will indeed grow at its own pace with our own effort and Allah's will, of course.

We don't have to take a big step... a continuous step one at a time is better than a big one or two leap that tires you. We should be realistic and practical. Any good that we do, Allah will multiplies. So let's take that step, without waiting for the perfect time ... so that when we have that pain tomorrow or any day at all, we can say "Oh Allah, here I am... eager to meet You".

"Learn, ye, therefore, Humility, and approach God's throne in repentance and Earnest Endeavour".

Wallahu'alam.

Down the memory lane..

Last night, I dreamt I was in Swansea.. I don't know whose house it was and I was thinking, where are my friends? In my list, I had many visits to do - I had to see my Sudanese son, Zakaria and his wife, Sara, and also their newly born son, Yahya. Or I should find my Mauritius sister first and give her a big hug (oh! I miss her hugs - they are warm and comforting) and also in the list, the mosque to see sheikh Mohsen and his wife and children... I had to see my other sheikh, Sheikh Abdullah, Brother Asim and many more good friends... Oh.. the list was getting very long.

Then I met Sheikh Mohsen with his 2 sons.. but I didn't get to do much or talk to him. While planning to meet the others, I woke up. Aaah.... I should have do it fast while I had time but I did not. So there I was, all awake and thinking of Swansea again! Is it just me or do all these flashbacks come more often as we become more mature and more appreciative of our friends and memories that keep us alive?


This morning, I was checking my student's work when I came across one of their videos... the background song was "Hari ini dan semalam". Oh boy! It took me back to the time when my brother Zul was very little. I bet he still remembers.. One night, he couldn't sleep and he took his red guitar which my dad bought for him in KL and sang that song across the bedroom door! He was so cute and funny.... he is a good loving brother.



I used to hate him for taking over my place. He came into my life when I was 8. Being the youngest in the family for 8 years spoiled me but suddenly, there he was. At night, I was pushed to the edge of the bed. I remember for the first few days, I slept at my parents' feet. I was determined to stay on that bed by hook or by crook. Eventually, I had to be shifted and squeezed into my sister's bed... how big the bed was.. it can accommodate many of us. We were all like 1 or 2 years apart. We usually play together but being the youngest, I sometimes, can't fit in. So I hang out with my own gang. Children at that age do not play in the house. We were so adventurous ... our activities include digging the soft soil for worms and maggots, crossing the lalang field searching for all sorts of insects and what not.


My sisters... they come with all sorts of characters. It would take me too long to describe every each one of them... so I won't do it here. Such wonderful sisters they are. But at that time, I was thinking why were there too many girls... Of course, I was being silly! Looking back at those wonder years when we were kids, playing without any care in the world, it does feel sad deep inside. The sadness is not about not able to meet them everyday because they do not live near, but the sadness is more about how much you miss those time... when the parents are still young and things were so much different.. when my dad bought anything, we will divide equally among us how little they are. Of course, life gets better but it is true when Allah says, with every difficulty there is ease... indeed, it was fantastic. Being kids must be one of the best time in our lives and every each one of us must have special memories of ourselves...


Do you know that my Bangoli daughter can remember as far as when she was weaning? I bet you don't believe me.... Hey! I am not kidding. Hmmm... that's so rare!


I better get back to my business now... I can't daydreaming all day like this... so adios! Have I told you that I win a contest yesterday? Well.. that's another story.


May Allah bring us happiness in our lives and help us to step forward each day with plenty of smiles..... ameen to that!

Mother's Day

When I was small, my world revolved around me and my dad. Everything was me and my dad.. how we used to go round the town on his motorcycle and how he used to pick me up and embarrassed me in front of my friends. He was so proud of me. Every time I got good grades, he'll take me on his motorcycle and told his friends when he meet them. I can see how proud he was. My favourite dish was "Sup Kepala Ikan Merah" which my mom loves to make. My dad would proudly said like, "who says fish head is not good for the brain... my daughter loves it and she is doing very well at school!". Oh Dad! I miss you so much.

Before I left for the United States for my first degree, we stayed at our relative's house in Bangi. He planted a coconut tree as a reminder of my departure - not everyone gets to go to United States for a degree - ... I am the first in the family and got a Petronas sholarship. Of course, he was very proud. Every time I called home, I always ask to talk to my Dad. I don't know why... I guess my Dad had played an important role in my life. He send me letters and used the say like "Kehadapan anakanda yang dikasihi".. such formal words - Mind you, he was a Policeman. and when I read the letters, I would just cry and cry. I missed my family but I miss him especially. Oh.. how long ago it was but the memory was so vivid in my mind. I was naive and being away at that young age was kind of a shock to me. I've never been away from home. To me, I was given "wings". With those "wings", I got married and had my first daughter there. Wow.. how adventurous my life was.

Things were never the same when I came back from the United States. My Dad did not show up at the airport... I was shocked! I can feel that something was not right. I kept asking everyone where he was... he was at home! I guess this is the first time I am openly talking about it.. I was pregnant with my second child and my first daughter was 2 1/2 years old at that time. He was a bit upset somehow.... he never express it but I figured that out after sometime. Now I understand his frustration. I was the so called "brightest" in the family. I was his pride and joy. He wanted to see me getting good job and be successful in my career. But there I was... all pregnant with no job yet and family to feed. Of course I have my husband but we were like kids then. No job yet and 2 kids? This is not America...

Wow... how time flies.... life was a bit difficult but we have made it somehow - the turbulances, we had gone through that. I believe if my Dad is here, he'll be so proud of me again. He has such a lovely heart. He loved people and he was always there for me. Even when he was frustrated with me, but he loves my children. He taught Kak Long to talk. Kak Long was not talking yet when we came back from the US. He taught her every day... I remember how he used to sit at the kitchen table and he was fantastic with my kids. Oh.. He loved them so much and was especially close to Liyana. One day he came to visit because he missed the children and on that day, Liyana took her first step.. she started walking. Today, liyana is already in university... she is having her third year final exam today.

Back to my story, when I got the phone call about my Dad's death (1998), I feel like I can't breath anymore. The world stopped. I wasn't expecting it coming at all. I don't understand why he has to go so early... I thought he would be there for me always. I want him to see me progresses in life... I want him to see how wonderfully my children grow. Somehow, we assume our parents would always be there for us.. To me, he looked healthy enough .... he had his heart problem but he was always smiling when I was home... I cried and cried all the way home. We had to drive back and we were about 300 kms away. My husband was driving so fast that night when he was caught by a policeman. When my husband told the policeman of the situation, he let us go and advised us to drive safely.... After a few days, we found a poem wrote by Liyana for my dad. We read in front of everyone and we all cried.. my sisters, my brother, my mom.. everyone was so touched. She throwed it away.. she was hurt! Everyone was... the house seems to be empty without Dad and we still felt his presence for sometime. It was like he was at the mosque praying or out to town. We can't really seem to digest the reality just yet. Well... everything takes time and we thank Allah for giving us the courage and patience to go through all the difficult times in our lives.

After my dad was gone, I realise that I still have a mom. Oh mom.. I am so sorry I neglected you. I was always thinking about Dad and my Mom was always second place. Being a mom, I understand her more now than I used to. Now that Dad is gone, I came back to be near her... I watch her grow old day by day and it breaks my heart. Well... I am growing older too! But seeing her getting older physically makes you think.. what should you do for her now. I determine to make her happy. I determine to make her proud of me. I want her to love me and be please with me so Allah will be please. I want to be closer to her now... Oh Allah, help me to be a good daughter to my mom and to please her so that you will be pleased.

So on Mother's day last sunday, I kissed her and hugged her and gave her a bouquet of flowers. Of course.. they aren't the real orchids. I don't want to put her into more work, having to water and look after it... She was so happy and said, "Rudy, it must be expensive!" (In my heart, I was saying.. nothing is expensive when it comes to you ... you have done so much for me). That is my mom. She was always anxious about money... she is always careful not to trouble us and I love her so much. Happy Mother's Day, mom. I love you. How bless I am to still have you around.

Allah says in His holy book, "And we enjoined upon man to be dutiful to his parents - his mother bore him in weakness upon weakness and his weaning lasted two years that you be grateful to Me and to your parents. To Me is the destination. But if they strive with you on that you set partners with Me that of which you have not any knowldege of, then do not obey them. but keep them in company in the world with kindness; and follow the way of those who turn in repentance to Me. Then to Me will be your return and I shall inform you of what you used to do". (Surah Al-Luqman:14,15).

And to my children, thanks for the mother's day wishes.... I love you all too very much.

My daily life...keeping an open heart!

I was getting very busy this past few days. I feel like I have to do everything... it certainly feels that way when one gets too tired. But then, a few days ago, I heard a lecture on "IKHLAS" - how one needs to understand the reason behind his/her deeds. Why we do things really matters. We don't do things because we want to get some praises from people... it won't be worth it. It should be more than that - when Allah acknowledges your work, that is when your deeds count. It sure is easy to say than do.

We often complain how people do not acknowledge our work... they don't even say thanks or even mention about it. We often also heard people say like "engkau ingat siapa buat keje ni!" But it sure is good to be able to praise others for how good they have done their job - in Britain, people usually say "That's brilliant!" Even a small task is praised.. Here, people are less expressive.

Actually, we are taught that to be thankful to people is to be thankful to God. How lovely... it is true what Sheikh Abdullah repeatedly stressed to us in his lecture that people around us are tests for us.. Somehow, it is easy after understanding this to go through your life without feeling uneasy or tense. I believe living in Swansea and going through the islamic classes, I am beginning to understand life more, things starting to make sense. That remembering Allah is more about remembering His love than His wrath. And remembering Muhammad p.b.u.h. is clinging to sunnah and missing him as our Idol of life .. In our daily life, we have to always read the signs of Allah and His messages and that things do not happen at random. There must be reasons behind everything. When we understand this, for every small things, there are lessons to learn.

With children, we have to do this all the time... helping them to understand life and relating that to Islam. Only then, it will become a way of life... Allah send messages everyday for those who wants to take heed.

I remember on my way to send Amir back to his school yesterday when he mentioned to me that there was one horrible boy, had a bad attitude. Just recently came back from Umrah, according to Amir, the boy seemed to behave even worst. When our child say this... what do we say? they gets all kinds of advices from many sources.. you name it - the simpson? Mr. Bean? Merlin? The world is an open school but we cannot let just about everyone to be their teachers.

I believe we need to help children to understand that we have no control over other people's behaviour.. so there is no point of backbiting or talking about it with other people than to help the person improve himself. I ask Amir if he is the judge or is Allah the judge of people's behaviour. I told him, if he wants to be the judge, then he is doing Allah's job... which will tire him. Allah does not get tired doing His job.. so let Him be the judge for He is the best of all judges. I told him to stop being judgemental... after all, we are not perfect ourselves.

Oh my! For all I know, I was not advising him but advising myself. That is why I love having conversation with my children... it is not about educating them but reminding myself.

Something funny happened when we were having dinner just before we send Amir off. He said his friend, Nadia was mad at him because he was trying to save his iman and he texted her that he will no longer reply to her messages. He narrated the hadith, DO NOT GO NEAR ZINA. He was taught to stop talking unnecessarily to girls… what can I say? Kids are better learners than us, adults.

As we were driving along the highway, I kept my eyes on the sky. I remember one night when I was watching the stars with amusement (perhaps there were too many stars that night) and called my friend/son, Zakaria… told him to look up there. He told me that he used to lie down under the sky in Sudan watching the stars…. They seldom have clouds!

Sitting beside the driver, I love watching the sky and admiring the beauty of the different shades of blue and white here and there. I told my husband that I look at the sky as a large canvas … Allah’s work of art for He is the best artist. Such incredible blend of colours with different shapes of clouds. On that big canvas, sometimes, I can see islands and oceans, with many different animals, I sometimes can even see dinosour… how powerful are our imagination. I believe between those shades of blue and white, there are messages and signs for us to read. It is open for us to interpret and contemplate. Things are never straight forward ain’t it? And that is what makes life so interesting.

Wallahu a’lam.

Happy Birthday, Nurul dear!

Happy Birthday, Nurul dear!

When you were born, I thought you looked like your grandad,
I was happy and so was your dad,
We were told of your difficulties but we were happy anyway,
We knew you were so special and we have to be strong..."come what may".

Your eyes were bright and you had that curly smile,

You were so cute and tiny, your fingers liked to wrap up mine,
You were a shy little girl and to me, you were very dear,
We shared our laughter and tears, beneath all there were always fear.

Our time were short and I cherished every moment,
Life were full of unexpected but I know you were very strong,

Your hardship and suffering, how can I incline?
But Allah knows best and things must go as planned,
When He says, “With every difficulties, there is ease”, I finally comprehend.

We ran on the beach one day as waves were chasing after us,
It was only my wild dream as hopes were always here,
It can never happen now but I am content and happy anyway,
As I know that you are safe for Allah is the best protector,
Whoever is a believer, he will not grieve nor fear.

The birthday wishes won’t do you any good, but I want to wish you anyway,
Happy Birthday Nurul… we love you and miss you, dear!

Mama.
Nurul was born on the 31 Mac 1991 and stayed with us until 10 July 1992.

GOOD LUCK, KAK LONG!

Dear kak long,

It’s been nice to have a break with you while you needed it so. Penang is beautiful and we really enjoyed the brief holiday. Being a medical student for almost 5 years now, not counting 2 years of IB, I understand that life was quite stressful at times or most of the time. When you were in Dublin, we got to see you more often – you flew to Swansea frequently and we had such a nice time every time you came over. You dad thought you look livelier then – he remembers how you used to look so happy and cheerful. I guess it was the weather, the 4 different seasons and changing colours of leaves and flowers around you makes life so dynamic and exciting.

It was like yesterday when you were in school. You were always having good grades and we don’t even have to tell you to do your readings nor homeworks. You set a good example to your sister and I guess that is why she decided to be a medical student too. You were never difficult, always tolerant and kind. You were never too demanding and very reasonable. What more can we ask from a first born?

Kak Long dear,
I know you are exhausted with your exams and study. I know things aren’t that easy to cope with. I know there are other things in life that you wished for. But we all know that Allah is always just and He will help you. He knows how good you are as a daughter and what you deserve in life. We should have that trust at all times. I wish you all the success in this world and the hereafter. I wish for all my children to be successful in their lives and most importantly, to be happy with what they are doing.

Your final exam is just around the corner. In no time, you’ll end your medical school and out you go to the real world - more challenging, demanding and it can be fun too. Life is so full of surprises, hopes and rewards. Think of all the good things that life has brought to you and what the future holds – that should be a good motivation to go forward.

Therefore, I hope you will gather yourself, collect all the motivations you need for the coming exams and wish you’ll pass with flying colours. I don’t know whether or not you would want to pursue the challenging career of a doctor but you are almost there now. I know sometimes, you do mention your uncertainties and Allah knows best… One thing for sure is that - with your personality and your kindness, I know you can be a good doctor. But of course, PERFECTION TAKES TIME. So don’t worry. Just take one step at a time and make sure you are able to pull this through… you have struggled so much. An Arabic proverb says, “What is destined will reach you, even if it be underneath two mountains. What is not destined, will not reach you, even if it be between your two lips!”
My duas and hopes are with you always. Please forgive us if we have said anything that we should not have or otherwise, if we have not done anything that we should have or otherwise.. but know for sure that we love you so much and will be supporting you all the way.

May Allah bring you success and happiness, amen.
All the best, my love! Chayyyooooook!!!

mama

Happy Birthday AMIR

It's Amir's Birthday, Sunday 8 March 2009. We went to Amir's school and celebrated his birthday with 13 of his closest friends. They are very nice kids... I am grateful that Allah send good children to be around him. We had cakes and food in one of the classrooms. They sang "Allah selamatkan kamu", we chatted, exchanged riddles, took pictures - in short, lots and lots of fun. Before we left, I gave him a card and a letter......

Dear son,

Today is your 13th birthday. Happy Birthday, Amir! Let me just give you advices like mothers always do.

After 4 years of living in UK, we are back home now. I know it is difficult to adapt back to Malaysian life but I am sure you will be ok, insya’Allah. God willing, one day we’ll go back there for holiday or even you might be going back for your university. If you strive hard and make the correct intentions, Allah will help, insya’Allah.

I want you to be successful in your life. I have friends who we claim to be very successful in their lives. The problem with us is that we always measure ‘success’ by our own standard. We usually put wealth into perspective when it comes to ‘success’. I want you to see life differently.

If we have a pure heart, it might be easier to see. Our hearts can be so corrupted that we cannot see clearly what is right and what is wrong. People can be ambitious and forget about the real life. The worst thing that can happen to anyone is to love the world and to be scared of death. Remember one night in Swansea when we both watched a video showing Imam Al-ghazali’s poem. We were both near tears by his view of death. It is now my motivation of life and death. That life is not what we are striving for but it is life after death. Because when we can please Allah in this life, death will be a wonderful experience. Isn’t meeting your lover is something anyone would look forward for? And I’ve learnt that loving Allah will lead you to love his apostle, Muhammad s.a.w. I want you to love Allah and to have the love of Rasullullah s.a.w. in your heart. So that when the word Allah is mentioned, your heart will be touched. Likewise, when the name Muhammad s.a.w. is mentioned, your heart will be longing to meet him. It isn’t easy to have such hearts. You are 13 now. Do you know those people who are much older than you - most of them do not have Allah and Rasullullah s.a.w. in their hearts yet. Many have not reached there yet. Allah selected some people and left the rest. Those who choose to be guided and those who choose not to be guided – are they not different?

Today, my worry about you is lessening. For the past few weeks, I’ve seen you grow wisely. You have shown a lot of improvements. I am very proud of you, son. I want you to grow up to be someone extra special. I want you to live your life in a way that would benefit those people around you. I want you to do dakwah and to do it out of your love for Islam. I want Allah and Rasulullah s.a.w. to be in your heart. I want you to always put Allah in your top priority list. Whenever you want to do anything, I want you to think whether or not you would please or displease Him. When you have Allah in your heart, I shall not worry about you anymore. You will then strive for His sake. You will always want to try your very best. You will always want to help people not because you want anything in return but you will do that to please Him, insya’Allah.


My beloved Amir,

Your grandma, your dad’s mother was a special person. When we were in United States, she used to write to your dad and she would put such lovely words. I used to admire the letters. The first time I read it, I was like dumbstruck – I’ve not seen such words (we did not keep them unfortunately) because if you read the letters, you can see her love for him. May Allah bless her soul and gather her among His righteous servants. I don’t know how to write such. But I know that I love you very much and I have such high hopes for you, probably more than what I expected from your sisters. They are lovely sisters, aren’t they? I believe you are grateful for having them around.

Amir,
If I don’t give you the rights of a son, I will be sinning (You did asked me about this once). One of the most important rights for a son is to get good education. I believe now you are in good hands. Your teachers - they are people who knows what they are doing and where they want to go. You need people like them to be around you. I am sorry for the lost hours when I was doing my PhD. I know you had to stay home alone and your companions were just TV and internet. May Allah forgive your dad and I for not spending enough time with you and I hope you forgive us. This is our way of compensating our faults – to make sure you get good education/upbringing.

Amir dearest,
Happy Birthday … May Allah bless you and help you to excel. May Allah guide you always and keep you on His path. May Allah soften your heart as He has soften the heart of Saidina Umar, the one who was aggressively opposing Islam but then became the companion of the greatest man in history. Subhanallah! I pray that Allah will be please with you and that He has a great plan for you. I pray that you will be among those who are grateful for the bounties bestowed upon you. Remember that Allah said,

"If My servants ask you about Me, I am near. I answer the call of the caller when he calls on Me. They should therefore respond to Me and believe in Me so that hopefully they will be rightly guided". (Surah al-Baqara: 186)

Therefore, pray hard and my prayers are with you always.

Happy Birthday, honey!

mama

Some things are NOT worth fighting for?

We went to the movie and watched Changeling last weekend. It is not something we usually do but since Amir really wanted to go for his outing, we went but we make sure that it must be worth the time spent. It is about a mom fighting for her missing son. The movie is full of emotion - emotion of someone losing something that was the world to her, emotion of someone who was oppressed, lied to, brutalised for all the wrong reasons ... in short, it is about fighting for your rights. And as Clint Eastwood is the director, you can see Clint Eastwood thingy in the movie -  the theme is about fight where it says, do not start a fight but always finish it!  

Do we really need to finish a fight? I used to believe we should fight till the end. We should stand firm. But as I grow older and learn from my experiences, I now believe some things are not worth fighting for. You can have a principle and stick to your principle. You can have a stand and stick to your stand. You can show people how much a thing means to you when you stand for it. But at times, we should just let it go. It is not a cowardy thing. You don't have to feel bad about it. I believe sometimes it is a brave thing to do for a hero to leave the scene.

I faced an issue this week about having rights. Things in life is not like a, b, c where you can clearly see what they are... things/events happen in abstract ways and you need wisdom to handle them. When an issue befalls you, suddenly it MAGNIFIED because it is all about ME, I ... try talking to some people, it might not seems that big anymore. Or it might even seems bigger if you add some special effects to it. That is why, when you have any ill feelings towards someone, you should not mention it.. it will strengthen your thoughts/feelings. 

The devil works in mysterious ways.. they are clever and we should be cleverer because Allah teaches us not to backbite or if we don't have anything good to say, don't say anything at all. If we follow the guidance, we will be at peace. Allah said those who backbites will not enter paradise. Fear Allah!

Back to the issue... when you have fought your way through and you still can't get it, have trust that Allah is keeping something better for you. If we all can have that trust, wouldn't life be easier.. Some people learn the hard way about fighting rights. I have my own lesson to learn. I once fought for something that I truly believe should be mine, I got it but end up having lots of troubles just by having it. It is an embarrassing thing to discuss. But as Allah conceal our shame, should we expose it? Believe me, I have had my share! 

When you have experience many different things in life, sometimes mistakes happen many a times because they don't appear in the exact similar way and the devil (devil faults again!) makes you think like.. oh, this time it is different. But if you have any problem, think rationally. Think of all the possibilities.. if it is just something you can do without, leave it! Tell yourself that it is not the end of the world. Don't spend your energy unwisely.  It is good to live a healthy live with a peaceful heart. Maintain a good relationship with everyone. I read Imam Al-Ghazali's book this morning. It says everyone deserves your good words, even those who treat you badly.

But when do we know that a fight is not worth fighting for? Nobody has the answer. Sheikh Abdullah said, ask your heart. Your heart can have a fatwa. If you die tomorrow, will you be proud of the actions that you took. If you take any action that will jeopardise your relation with others, perhaps you should step back. Always think of others when you do anything. Try not to think too highly of yourself. Allah said those who have ego will not enter paradise. It is not worth anything when you displease ALLAH. He is the love of our life and we want to meet our prophet Muhammad p.b.u.h. We want to stand tall in front of him so that he would be able to smile and said, Yes.. you are my follower. If you really love him.. you will be more wise in your actions, I suppose! 

May Allah help us all in everything that we do. I know, I use to say, I am a fighter. I feel proud when people say, YOU ARE A FIGHTER. But sometimes we need to ask ourselves, IS IT WORTH FIGHTING FOR?

A promising tomorrow

It has been like 4 weeks since Amir went to boarding school. I know I miss him so much as he is the baby in the family. I miss my 2 sweet daughters too but I am sure they are fine and I don't want to feel sad because they have bright future in front of them... However they grow, they are still our babies and we sometimes want to just hug and kiss them like we used to when they were in our arms. 

Amir calls almost every night. He will make sure he can hear my voice before he goes to sleep. Sometimes, he would put 50 cent and watch anxiously at the meter. When the credit was almost over, he would say "I love you" many times until the line was over. He once told his dad that he was afraid to be away because he might not be able to "find" us when we comes home. That was his concern when we sent him to Tahsin Quran at Ulu Langat. We had to go back and forth to KL many a times just to convince him to stay. 

Now, we can see improvements in Amir's attitude. He has changed. He starts doing homeworks and reads his books. But one thing that motivates him the most is the fact that he wants to go back to UK. He wants to make sure that he can go to UK university. I told him that if he gets good grades, I'll send him there, insya'Allah. 

Alhamdulillah... it seems that tomorrow is brighter. Like Anne Shirley said, tomorrow is always fresh with no mistakes. I pray that Amir's tomorrow is happier now ... with friends who can help him to excel. Ameen.

MOTHERS...

I believe many of us underestimate mothers. And how important they are in our lives. Allah said that even looking at our mothers with love is a good deed and will be rewarded. In life, everyone is trying ot achieve the highest - we strive very hard and sometimes, we forget that we need mothers' blessings. I've had many different incidents that are relevant to this issue but it is very time consuming to write. Anyway, recently I was troubled with a problem of a family whose children are having different kids of misconduct... not only minor misconduct but involve in things that you can't imagine. I tried to think of how this is possible and I can't find the answers.... our team was trying to solve some of the problems without really analysing the real issue.

So one time, I went to this person whom I know is a very religious and knowledgeable man. I narrated the story and told him of the troubles.. His answer was easy. He said he saw only one problem.. the real cause of the whole thing. He said I have to look at the relationship between the mother of these children with her own mother. There must be some problems leading to all these .. If you want your children or your life to be blessed, you must have a good relationship or blessings from your mom. This is an essential part of life.

I now see the root of the problem. I believe if I can treat the root of the problem, perhaps I would not waste alot of time treating the problem. I don't know if I have the strength to help the family but I hope Allah will give us the chance to help and make things that are good for them easy.

Another thing about forgiving... most of us claimed that we forgive others everytime. But at one point or another, we keep talking about it.. we keep on saying things like .. "if only he did like i said.. " or "I told him that and he .... ", mentioning other people's mistake over and over again and at the same time, claiming that you forgave them. Now I realise that forgiving is wiping off the marks as if it was never there. When Allah forgives us, He will not mention our mistakes ever again. So it is important for mothers to remember that your children need your forgiveness and that once you forgive, you also need to forget about it... they need our blessings. Life is too short to hold grudges. I need to remind myself and others about this so that our family will be blessed and Allah will be pleased.

Time to reflect - Reunions

It is not easy to be able to meet old friends. In those days when there was no internet, friendster or facebook, we used to carry with us autographs for our friends to sign and put memorable words. Everyone would try to write something special that others have not written before but as kids, we don't get too many fancy stuff.. so we began copying from one another. I did not have very good autograph as they are considered quite expensive to my standard in those days. When I went to further my study in United States, I've lost all my books or papers as the family needed more room for more important stuff. With 9 siblings in a house, keeping a personal belonging aren't personal anymore. I've lost my things and there goes my friends. They all went everywhere... overseas and locals that keeping track of everyone is almost impossible. 

When I was in UK, I found out that a few of my friends had successfully gather some of our classmates - some of us were in the same class since we were in year one to year six and had not seen each other since then. How long is that - it had been almost 33 years.... Anyway, last week, I managed to meet some of them. Not many turned up but it was okay. I don't mind not meeting everyone but to meet a few is already a blessing. We hugged each other and recalled those days when we were that innocent little girls and boys. Some remember how they used to admired one another...How sweet were we!! I said friends are like mirrors. If you want to know yourself, ask them. And mirrors do not usually lie...

Many remember me as this neat little girl, my mom used to comb my hair with lots of brylcream. Some remember that I used to get among top marks in math... that I remember! I also used to chase this chinese boy while waiting for our bus to fetch us from school. This chinese boy had passed away - he reverted to Islam in secondary school. I talked about that too.. Some of our friends faces were not as we remembered but as we chatted along, the smiles and the expressions brought back the familiarity.. 

Actually when I looked at my friends, I saw myself. We were kindred spirits and we learned many different things together - big or small. There were many memories that has long gone - we can't even remember .. perhaps they are not worth remembering.. but to be able to meet and to share a moment of your childhood is so sweet. Kids are not like colouring books for you to fill with your favourite colours (Kite Runner). They grow with what they have or see around them and these are the boys and girls I played with. I haven't met many more but hopefully I would be able to one day.

I guess everyone's childhood is the same one way or another. When I watched Little House on the Prairie, I can see all the different characters existed in my childhood friends. Nellie Olson character was played by a friend in our class who's influence was so great that everyone imitated her in almost everything. She was the trend setter.. how cool! My class was the best class in the school as we have the best graders and some of us were very consistent (excluding me).  I was going up and down the graph but managed to maintain being among the best of friends. 

I pray to Allah that my friends are all doing well. That Allah helps and guide us all along the path of our lives. It doesn't matter what position they hold in their companies or how much wealth they have gathered.. what matters is that Allah is please with us all. If Allah is pleased, then we can have another great reunion under the shade of a tree in Jannah. This is the best thing that can happen to any friendship. 

I remember one day when Amir was at home. He was scribing in a book and I asked what he was doing. He looked at me with worried eyes... he said he can't recall all his friends' names - those who were with him at Bishop Gore. I know he misses his school and friends so much. I did not pay much attention to his comment as I don't want to think too much and get upset. But I promise myself that I will take him again to the place where he once called HOME.. perhaps it is still HOME to him. All I can do is to help him to make the most of what he has and to help him build a better tomorrow. 

May peace and blessings of Allah be with you!

Islamic Hijri Calendar

New Year is here

The new year is here.. 2009 and at the same time, the new Islamic year was celebrated about 10 days ago. It is already 10th of Muharam and many are fasting today. I believe everyone wants goodness but we simply forgot ourselves sometime - who we are and where we are going. Isn't it  sad to look back when the past memories are not so proud to remember. Well, we need to look at the past mistakes as a motivation to correct ourselves. Even small error that we do, we need to reflect because these small errors will not stay small - they'll grow if we are not careful enough.

So can we have a few small things that we promise to do for ourselves as Allah said, if you do good, you do good to yourself and if you do bad deeds, you do bad against your own self. So what are the small things that we can promise ourselves that is good to share....

(i) Pray on time. Virtues are showered differently according to time and day. I heard from a very reliable source that during the early praying time, all the goodness in terms of time is there. When we pray early, the goodness will be ours and it will lessen as time progresses. That is why we are urged to pray early, to wait on the prayer mat for the call. I remember a close friend in Germany who was close to my husband. My husband likes to travel and invited him to come along. He said he doesn't feel comfortable as he likes to be on the prayer mat when the prayer time comes. We all should adopt this habit! 

(ii) Give charity every day... if you see an old man cycling a trishaw who looks very poor and tired.. why don't you give him a tenner (RM10). See how he reacted. It should put a smile on his face. Or a boy walking along a street going to school... give him a RM1, he should be smiling all day!

(iii) Pay for your friends meal at least once a week. If you go with a friend, pay for him/her. It doesn't make you poorer. Remember that Allah will return a manifold.  I remember Sheikh Mohsen of Swansea mosque.. whenever we have anyone throwing a meal for everyone (like akikah or anything at all), he would make a prayer that the person will not left hungry in the day of judgement.

(iv) Be kind. Do small kindness everyday - let it be taking a friend to the market, buying your mom her prune juice, lending a friend some money etc. You never know that small kindness might mean the world to them.

(v) As a muslim, we should be environment friendly. Print less paper.. if you can recycle, do it. ANything that is worth recycling, keep and put it separately. This earth is an AMANAH and we have to keep it clean and safe. The western people are very careful about this... I remember when I was in Swansea, it amazed me to see how much time they take segregating their waste items - papers/magazines/furnitures/woods/plastics.. etc. I remember I read about a woman who was a teacher - She had only like 1 bag of garbage every month. What she did was recycling almost everything.. she will make sure the toothpaste tube is squeezed thoroughly and then cut it to make sure there's really nothing inside because the container is not bio-degradable. Whatever she can reuse in the kitchen, she would keep for later... 

(vi) Don't condemn people... try to think what others do that is bad as a test from Allah. Speak less and learn from others. People who likes to condemn others usually thinks highly of themselves.. they think they are better than most. This is bad. I am reminding myself, actually!

(vii) Read lots of quran.. it should solve your daily problem... whatever problem you have, quran will give the solution... 

(viii) Praise Allah by saying subhanallah, alhamdulillah and allahu akbar all the time whenever or wherever you are. Sheikh Anwar Alawlaki once asked his students to think what are the things robbers like to steal from a house... of course, smallest things, easiest to carry and high in value. Tasbih to Allah are like those things.. they are easy to do, you can do while walking, jogging, cooking .. anywhere and wherever you are, does not cost anything (only repeating with your tongue) AND the most important is that it is high in value in the sight of Allah. I heard that for each tasbih, Allah will plant a tree in jannah for you. Easy? So let's do it!

(ix) Be kind. Do small kindness everyday - let it be taking a friend to the market, buying your mom her prune juice, lending a friend some money etc. You never know that small kindness might mean the world to them.

Hopefully we can all do these small things ... isn't it good to start small??? 

One day, you will thank me, insya'Allah!

It is not easy to send someone you love away... in life, you will have to do this over and over again. If you have children, you just need to get used to it. December went very fast.. the new year is here and this year will past us in the same manner, I'm sure. I was enjoying myself having Kak Long at home.. and sometimes having my nieces at home is a blessing too.. it makes the house seems livelier. We are not a big family, so when even when one child is away.. you feel the effect. But it seems like today is different. I woke up with no children around me at all. Where's my baby? 

Amir is away. We sent him to a good islamic school yesterday.  Since the school is far away, he had to stay in the hostel. Of course, he gave lots of excuses and persuade us not to send him there. But I told myself that I cannot entertain him this time. We need to help him!

It is not easy for Amir to adapt to Malaysian life. It is quite unusual when you think about it. When Malaysian children are brought to UK, they did not find difficulties in adapting to the new environment.. which is totally new to them. People are different in many ways there... the culture, the language, the way of life, the values.. but kids did not find these things too difficult to accept. They almost instantly blend in. Most of the kids I know enjoy school, they find teachers are nice and helpful - so they don't complain - not really. 

Now when these Malaysian kids come back to their old environment.. their own country, their own people.. surrounded by people who speak their own language, they find it difficult to adapt. They feel uneasy.. if possible, they want to go back to UK. They want their UK school, their UK friends, their UK teachers.. Why is that?

When I listen to similar stories of how Malaysian children find difficulties to adapt, I can understand because I have observed Amir.. it is quite a psychological thing for them to come back. I describe the analogy is like you gave a child a game.. they will take time to learn how to play the game.. they find it amazing, play it well, enjoy it so much and once they are addicted to it, you take it away. Is it not fair? No.. you cannot talk about fair or unfair in this situation. You have to teach children to be grateful - to understand that in life, things happen and you have to accept the decree of Allah. We cannot control everything. This that are beyond our control is what Allah's has decreed and whatever Allah decreed is the best for us. 

Like Saidina Ali r.a. said, if we can open up the scroll of decree in front of our eyes, we will not want to change a thing. This is the concept of Redha.. willingness to accept the decree and at the same time, striving for the best in life.

I have heard a friend's child screaming on top of his voice outside his house, "I wanna go back!!" How do you think a mother would feel like.. When a child is hurt, a mother is in greater pain. Amir did not scream - he did not cry. But even when he was sitting quietly at one corner of a lake nearby, looking very far and thinking - I can feel his pain. I understand what he was going through. When he was asked to write an essay about himself, he wrote in English and translated - he said, "I feel bored. I can't play skateboard anymore.. " - actually he wanted to say that he missed his friends. He used to skateboard down the Brynmill road with his buddies.. Liam, Bradley, Lee.. and many more. He used to hang around the Brynmill park, playing with his friends. Even sister Saedah (my mauritiaus sister) who live beside the park, misses Amir. She said, when she passed the park, she can visualise Amir there with his friends. They used to pass by her house... giving salam to her! She adores Amir as she doesn't have any son. She said one day, "Amir, you are my son.. come to my house anytime you like... ". And when I went back to Swansea lone last October, I feel sad walking along the Brynmill park watching the children playing there. I feel like I saw him there.. so I stayed there watching the kids playing football... there was so much emotion. At that instance, I know how much he wanted to be back!

We have to look at our future. Don't look back! These were exactly my words to Amir. I told him to think about his future. We are sending him to the new school, new environment so that he will not be left behind. If he always think about going back to UK, it will not do any good to him. I asked him to look at the group of boys in front of him.. i told him these boys will be great leaders... they will be engineers, doctors, researchers... they can be whatever they want to be, insya'Allah. I want him to be among them. I want him to be among the excellent people, so that he can be great too. He has all the potential but nothing can happen if he stays in front of the TV all day or internetting all day long. You cannot throw away your life like that. We have to shape up or shape out.

When I hugged Amir before we go, I can feel his love. There is no doubt about him loving us so much.. we are everything to him, my baby. But he cannot stay as my baby forever. He has to grow up. He has to think about his future. (Must be scary for kids to think about their future and the uncertainties of life.. ) 

So when I left Amir, I told him that one day he will thank me for this. That is what I told him and myself too. I saw in his eyes that he wanted to believe that too. He remind me to come every week and so we promised. We left him smiling and perhaps, deep inside, anxious! I told him I love him and will do whatever in my power for his own good, insya'Allah.

On my way back on the highway, i feel like it was only yesterday I was sending Kak Long and Liyana to boarding school. I remember how Liyana was happy and adapting well with her friends. Kak Long on the other hand, was a bit sad whenever we left because her school was very far away. Now they are finishing universities but still, it seems like yesterday...

While I was on my thoughts, I received a call from my brother. He already sent my nephew, Hafis- a 13yr old -  to a madrasah. We had to send him very far, up north.. in the middle of nowhere for some good reasons. My brother told me when he left, the boy cried a bit - perhaps anxious and uncertain of the new environment.. being a stranger is difficult for little boys. I asked my brother if he give him a hug. Yes he did... So I guess Hafis has to learn to adapt just lke Amir .. they both will be going through the same process.. in different situations.

So today I woke up with a mixed feeling - happy that the children seems to do well but at the same time, missing them all. I remember what Amir said when we were shopping for his things - he said, we are losing our family. We are all separated.. I assured him that we are not losing our family... this is life.. you cannot have everyone by your side all the time. You cannot be together everyday.. but we are all together in our hearts. I smile to him but it is really sad to hear him say that. I wonder how those great people of Islam were sent to study the Quran to far away land by their parents. They had to travel on foot, some took months to reach. Now we have cars to drive along the highway.. take only hours. Still we feel guilty sending them to become better muslims.. Our children are happy at home with us. They don't want to go away. But perhaps we can continue the legacy?? Perhaps these are sacrifices that Allah will reward us for.. when it is done for all the right reasons.

Amir.. I hope you are doing well and that one day, you will really thank me for this. In the mean time, you have to be strong. We cannot get everything we wanted in life.. we have to strive. And once we put effort, Allah will help us... and so He promised. Prayers are answered for those who wait. So pray well and strive well. We love you so much. So Kak Long and Kak Ngah! We are all praying for you. May Allah's blessings and grace be with you.. May He reward you well and help you to adapt. May He be please with your effort and ours too. May He grant us all jannatul Firdaus - a better place than what we have here... the best HOME for us all. 

So, all the best, my dear baby!