Missing you, Princess....

I kissed you and let you go. This time was not like before. I was sad because you came back for only 3 weeks - shorter than planned. I waved at you and there you were, rushing through the crowds to get to your boarding gate. My mind crawled back to 20 some years and realised how fast time moves - my chidren, they are leading their own lives. Now you are already almost in your final year, getting ready for your career.

This time I feel like it was a dream, having you at home. 3 weeks was very short - so many things were left unsaid and no time to do what we have planned before. Allah knows best. But we managed to do our family portrait, although without your sister. It was alright.

People do change through time. You do too. I can see that you are stronger and louder in your words and actions. You are full of determination and very confident. I love you, my princess and my prayers are with you always. I pray that your journey is well. I know you'll feel the same when you reach Leeds - When you wake up tomorrow, you will feel like it was all a dream. Nice dream eh? I know I will take some time to readjust myself to not having you home. After a few days, I'l be alright and you will be back to your daily schedule. Insya'Allah, we'll meet again. Perhaps we'll meet again when it snows ;-)

All the best, my princess... be strong like you always do!

Good bye, My beloved sister!

Saying goodbye is never easy. Let alone saying it for good... to someone who is close to you... a sister.

It was yesterday, Wednesday night, May 26, when the sad news came to me. My elder sister passed away, leaving 6 children – she was the 4th in the family. There were 9 of us.. now, only 8 left. I watched the proceedings and all those while, I was saying to myself.. this is the end of us. What are we searching for in life?? Comfort? Wealth? Position? Power? All those will be left behind.. leaving you with the white cloth wraped around your naked stiffed body.

I watched her laying there…there was only white coverings...all tightly wrapped. It felt sad .. I remember her smile.. her laughter.. her jokes..... her eyes... We were close. We were like buddies when we were young. She used to bring me my lunch box when I was in secondary school. She was always helpful, generous, happy, kind… as a child, she was very adventurous..I must say. She was in a play once in a big hall in our town .. her role was a troublesome tomboy….I think she loved that role.. I still remember that day.. she wore the red jeans! I wore the jeans when it fitted me years later.

We shared many great moments together - good and bad too. There were too many memories.. they all rushed into my head as I watched her… I miss her so much. We have not seen each other that much. I was very busy with my work.. she stopped working for sometime due to her deteriorating health. Knowing that too didn’t caused me to visit her that often.. There were so many things I wished I had done for her..

The night when she passed away.. I was thinking of her. She usually call just to say ‘hi’. Perhaps she was thinking of us before she went. We were all there… all 8 of us and our mom. I don’t know how my mom felt. Her sadness must be different than ours. When I looked at the children, I can’t help myself feeling sorry for them.. but Allah is most Merciful Most Kind.. who are we to feel sorry… They have gone through a lot. Their father passed away 4 years ago. I was in UK then. When we were leaving the house, the youngest, 8 years old, cried… he must have felt insecure.. not having his mom around. I wrapped my arms around him but I don’t know what to say.. I can’t say that everything will be alright… as it won’t for sometime. He had to deal with the fact that his mom will not be there anymore. They were very close .. I remember the time when I visited them.. he did the ”story-telling” in front of us.. his mom was coaching him – looking proud at her youngest son. Abdullah is indeed a smart boy with bright eyes and cheeky smile. Then I rewarded him and he was so happy.

I watched the end of my sister… when the soil were flattened and there was no sign of her anymore. The ‘talkin’ was recited and we listened with our hearts. We were told the meaning of life.. that everything was just temporary and the ultimate, is our Lord. Her name was called upon to tell her what was expected to happen…but indeed the note was meant for us. We waited there until everything was over. That was indeed the end of a person - a sister whom I loved so much- Hamidah. As I stepped away from her grave, my mind was with her.. what was in store for her.. She was indeed a kind and generous person but still, she must be scared, being left alone there without her family around.. we can't do anything but pray..

‘O Allah, forgive and have mercy upon her, excuse her and pardon her, and make honorable her reception. Expand her entry, and cleanse her with water, snow, and ice, and purify her of sin as a white robe is purified of filth. Exchange her home for a better home, and her family for a better family, and her spouse for a better spouse. Admit her into the Garden, protect her from the punishment of the grave and the torment of the Fire.’

‘O Allah, forgive our living and our dead, those present and those absent, our young and our old, our males and our females. O Allah, whom amongst us You keep alive, then let such a life be upon Islam, and whom amongst us You take unto Yourself, then let such a death be upon faith. O Allah, do not deprive us of her reward and do not let us stray after her’.

‘O Allah, my sister, Hamidah is under Your care and protection so protect her from the trial of the grave and torment of the Fire. Indeed You are merciful and truthful. Forgive and have mercy upon her, surely You are The Oft-Forgiving, The Most-Merciful’.

As I recited my doa while leaving, my tears were rolling down my cheeks. I had to say good bye ... I love you, sis and will always do. You will always be in my heart, insya’Allah.




The Holy Prophet (s.a.w.s.) says,'Surely the heart rusts like iron.' People inquired, 'How can it be polished?' He (s.a.w.s.) said, 'By remembering death and with the recitation of Quran.' (Nahjul Fasahah)
“…verily, the death from which you run away, will, surely, overtake you & will send you back to the Knower of the visible & invisible things & He will then inform you of what you used to do.” (Q. 62:8)

Amir's Birthday again.....

A few weeks back, you wrote a poem about your Swansea friends... I know you still miss them and thought that they are irreplaceable. To you, Liam will always be your best friend. I know Swansea to you is home sweet home. But open your heart.. you might find some more kindred spirits around! It is not so bad here...

Today is your 14th birthday – I have too many things to say to you but I don’t want to exhaust you…Today is a significant mark in your life – I believe all birthdays are good markings of our lives as they are indicators of opportunities Allah gives us to improve ourselves – more time, insya’Allah. As a mother, I always have my hopes and anxiety, watching my children grow especially at their tender young age can be exhausting but rewarding, of course. During these years, you should set your path…where you want to go and where you would like to be. For the unfortunates, Allah put barriers in their hearts where they cannot see what is right and what is wrong due to their own doings and their stubbornness to accept Allah’s commands. May Allah select us to be among those whom Allah loves and guides.

My son, Amir,
I wish you Happy Birthday! This year, you are no longer in an Islamic school – no more SMIH. That doesn’t mean we are bringing you up as a secular person – never! I know I should not take you away from that school but that was what you wanted, perhaps you don't like the idea of being away from us! I guess we don’t have any choice as I watched you getting depress and exhausted. I am doing my best to keep you safe and prepare you for a better future. There is nothing I would like to have more than to have my son understands Islam - be a knowledgeable person, have good influence and a role model for those your age.

When I look at your friends at SMIH, I know they are indeed your good friends. I am glad we celebrated your birthday again with them… Let me recap their advices when I asked them to say something to you. They said, Amir….
o Watch your prayers as they are pillars of Islam. Without them, you will collapse.
o Don’t forget your Duha prayers… (I remember how you used to call me around 11 to check whether or not I have done my Duha)
o Do your supplementary fasting… at least 3 days a month if not, Mondays and Fridays (you tried your very best to do your fasting every Monday and Friday.. I was afraid you might not be strong enough but you were).
o Do your Qiam (night prayer) as it takes you closer to Allah. I also remember when you were home last year, sometimes you would ask me to wake you up for night prayers)
o Be careful when you befriend girls… when there are only the two of you, the third is the devil. (I remember how you would always talk about this hadith… wala takrabuzzina….and tell me how your ustaz always reminds you all of the danger of it) .
o Obey your parents, be kind to them.. as they always want good things for you. (A few months at SMIH, you were showing a lot of progress.. you were very careful when you talk to me.. you were so gentle and obedient – I don’t mean you are no longer obedient but it is incredible how fast the improvements were).
o Be kind with people… in the class, do not disturb others. Always mind your manners.
o Most importantly, read the Quran a lot and learn Hadith as they provide guidance in our lives. Read and understand them and you’ll be safe. (When you came home from your hostel, you would ask me to read the arab style.. the right way of reading, you said).

I am sure you remember these advices. I hope these boys will always stay as your friends because I like them and I know they are the circles of friends you’ll be safe with… I know you miss SMIH but you hide it from me.

Amir, I don’t know what to plan for you now… I have so many ideas but time is against me… Going to a nearer school, you are always tired when you reach home. Perhaps the weather or may be because you feel lonely - there's only the three of us at home now. Please let me help you explore your potential because I know you are special. Please let me assist you to not waste your time like kids your age do – too much internet and TV are not good. I will help you if you let me… I love you and want the best for you, my son. Happy Birthday, love! May this year be filled with joy and happiness… and some kindred spirits to share them with you too….find good friends, my son! Always find good friends!

Mama

KNOCK! KNOCK!

5:30 am. There was a knock on the door. It's half an hour to Suboh and it's pounding hard. “It's time for tahajjud!”, it seems to say. Are you still sleeping when Allah promises at this hour that He will be there waiting for your prayers, awaiting you to beg Him….. and yet, you are still sleeping? Don’t you have enough sleep already? How many hours do you need? 8? You're such a baby… Coochy Coochy!! Up baby Up!!

Sleeping time is over! Don’t you know that Umar Abd Aziz, a pious leader of Islam spent his nights crying and praying to Allah in the middle of the night, – fear that he had not done enough within his power for the people under his leadership? In fact, he spent 200 rakaat everyday for solat nafil – just for the supplementary solat. Wasn’t that great? Shouldn’t we not fear of our commitments – that we have not given enough? We are still lazy to stand for prayers. And our prayers are full of thoughts, all the worldly affairs. With this, how can we stand tall in front of Him and his beloved prophet? Have we taste the sweetness of Iman that solat is the best time of the day and that we are always looking forward to talk to God?

Can we ever stand tall? What should we say… what can be our excuses? That the world is not like before! All these sophisticated technology – it is not suitable to apply Islamic values or sunnah! Our parents have not taught enough! Schools did not provide good Islamic education! Leaders were selfish and corrupted – blame them! We were busy with our responsibilities at work – they couldn’t do without us! Our boss gave us too much tasks that not only we had to spend so much time in the office, we had to bring them home! That the traffic was too much…by the time we reach home, prayer time was over! Can we not list 100 more excuses? Want me to go on? Oh my... can I not use these excuses?

So what is our stand? Are we ready for tahajjud? Are we not scared that we will be in these dark rooms underneath when none can help – not even our Mercedes, not our big screen LCD TV, not our fully decorated house, not our newly renovated kitchen, not our collectibles handbags, shoes .. or whatever baggage we have with us. None can help except our good deeds that we left – those good deeds that we thought was good for nothing… the food to the needy that kept them sleeping at night because their stomach aren’t empty like before, the help to a friend that took ages of our precious time but kept him smiling all day, those money donated to the orphans that worry us because the savings were lessen, the unneeded clothes to the earth-quake victims the kept them warm when they have lost their shelter and help tidy up our wardrobe…. and yet, you thought they were unrewarded! So all these can help lighten up our dark rooms – they won’t be dark anymore but in fact, they can be “gardens of delights”.

When I read the last poem by Imam Al-Ghazali, it motivates me – gives me hope that death can be beautiful, that we would be able to converse with the saints, that we would be able to rest from all these worldly affairs that tire us, a sleep prolonged…that death is life that surpasses all that we can dream of here. We should not be frightened when we think of Allah’s mercy and love because the ultimate happiness of our being is when we get to meet Him, our Lord, face to face. Subhanalllah!

Tahajjud is important for our souls – it is a must for those who want to have close relation with Allah. This is the time to converse with Him… softly. This is the time to beg Him, plead with him. Do you know that if you do it often enough, if one day you overslept, the angles will wake you up because he misses you?
 So what are you waiting for???

Knock! Knock! Is that the angle?

Allah Ta'ala says, addressing the prophet (pbuh), "O you wrapped in a cloth, Stand (in prayer) by night except a portion, half of it or a little less, or a little more, and recite the Quraan in measured tones. Soon shall we send down to you a weighty message. Truly the rising by night is most potent for governing the soul, and most effective in speech [of praises and prayer]. [73:1-6]

Congratulations, DOCTOR!

Dec 26, 1983 - You were born when it was snowing. I had a female doctor, Dr. Mayder and the delivery process went smooth (Epidural Block). The next day, we took you home and it was very cold and snowing still – you were in your pink outfit, wrapped in a blanket – we still kept it with us. Being very young at that time, it was a whole new experience to us, a whole new horizon to explore.

While others were busy hanging out with friends, going shopping or do what youngsters that age like to do, there we were, busy with our new schedule as young parents to a newly born baby. Of course, it was not easy. I remember at night, I hold you on my shoulder, hugging you and missing my own parents. I want them to see how beautiful you were, we did it all – changing diapers, cleaning you up, dressing you – adhering to your needs. You looked so fragile but we were brave. We did everything we could for you, using God given parenting-instinct, I guess.

We watched you closely as you grow. Your first word (‘baba’), your first smile, your first laughter, your first steps…. remember how easy your dad made you laugh – and we made you repeatedly giggled and we recorded your laughter. You took your first few steps at the age of 10 months. We took you everywhere – there are times when we took you in the baby cradle to the computer lab so that I can do my assignment, we took you to the library, we took you shopping for groceries (usually around 2 or 3 am), laundry… almost everywhere except to our classes. We had to arrange our schedule so that one of us can sit with you. Well, we sometimes, got help from our friends…Alhamdulillah.

When we ride in the car, you used to sit at the back in the middle of the back seat on the armrest. That was your favourite spot. You were so easy to handle – sorry, I made you sound like a tool – but really, you were never difficult. When you were a bit older, in the morning, you used to wake me up and asked me for breakfast using your own sign language (Being a young mother and a student too, I need my sleep ;) ). So I would take the milk and breakfast cereal out from the fridge and you ate on your own. I still can picture you eating your breakfast in the hall… you did it all on your own. At times, you took the cereal by yourself and you were very independent. How amazing! I also used to shop for your clothes a lot. The dresses for girls your age were very cheap back then – usually at K-Mart, they have the occasional ‘blue-light’ sale especially end of summer.... I bought your dresses for only $1 or 50 cent each.. so I bought lots of them. I remember you used to wear new and beautiful outfit each day. Oh.. how we pamper you so much!

By the time we had to go back to Malaysia, you were already 2 ½ year old. You enjoyed the plane ride. We still have a picture of you looking over the airplane window in amazement. You wore the pink dress, pink overcoat, and a pink hat. We still have the outfit kept too… You did not like Malaysia, at first. I can tell. For the first few weeks, you can’t put on your shirt because it was too warm. Somehow, at that age, you can’t talk … but my dad was wonderful.. every morning, at the breakfast table, he would teach you to pronounce just about everything… so he made you repeat after him and one of the first words he taught you were ‘air’ (water)… you can’t say it at first. You said - a-yo. He made you repeat the same thing everyday and we saw the rapid progress. You started with one word and then you start building up sentences.. and before we know it, you were talking in less than 6 months.

It was funny when early in the morning, you would take your lunch box, put on your favourite blue gown with ‘smoking’ design and waited for the bus to pick you up. You saw my youngest sister and the neighbour’s children were picked up by the school bus and you thought they would also pick you up. You sat there in front of the house on your blue lunch box and waited there until there were no school busses passing by. Then you cried because they did not pick you up. How long ago that was… my youngest sister is already married with 4 children!

We travelled a lot… especially during the festivals or holidays. You and your sister once travelled with my friend and at that time, both of you were 8 and 6 years old. But already you both knew how to do jama’ and qasar . They were amazed. Yes, you were bright and very well-mannered. You set good examples to others. Knowing these qualities in you, I recommended you to be a ‘prefect’ at school. I wrote a letter to your teacher – I don’t think if you knew that. But these are the things parents do for their children, assisting them to become leaders. You did well at school – straight ‘A’s and we were proud. Allah is Most Kind, Most Merciful.

Those days were long gone. You went to University and learn Medicine. It was tough. I remember when you were doing your International Bachelorette program, you were all stressed out. We could see your struggle and Alhamdulillah, you passed and we were relieved. We were quite anxious but we were sure, Allah knows what is best for you. After your 2nd year in University, you came home to us in Swansea. You were upset. You blamed me for pushing you to Medical School. I don’t think I did. I guess it was an obvious choice for an 'A' student like yourself. So you wanted to change and do something else. But it was too late – with the contract, I don’t think we can afford to pay back. Your years in college were like sailing in the open sea. Sometimes, the sea is calm whilst most of the time, there are waves, at different scales. Despite all that, Alhamdulillah… many fishermen survive the waves and so did you. I believe the ocean helps us to grow and become stronger…. learn to be patient as the waves come and go, thanking Allah for His mercy in good and bad times, helping others to stay on-board together, and the most important thing is that the ocean helps us to realize that we are nothing but Allah’s creation… however good we are, we still need Allah’s blessings and grace to stay alive.


So there you are…. graduated and we are happy and proud (Baba, Yana and Amir too). I know you are going to have a tough life despite all the struggle that you had gone through. I thought all mothers would be happy if their child’s a doctor. My good friend in Swansea, Sunny said that she doesn’t want her daughter to do medicine or any tough courses because she wants her to have an easy life…. I felt terrible. What have I done? Her words make sense – but it is not wrong to be ambitious, of course! My mom and dad – they must be so proud of you. My dad used to talk to my neighbour’s daughter (she was around 6 yrs old at that time) about what she wants to become. She told him that she wanted to be a doctor. They talked about her future… how it would be like to be a doctor. He used to praise her and was proud of that little girl. And indeed, she is now, a doctor.

Why I wrote this? I wanted you to know of your childhood. Of what we think of you and that we are so proud. Having you is a bless to any parents. Tomorrow will be your first day at the hospital as a DOCTOR and I want you to know that even at difficult times, Allah is there helping you out.

I remember there was one time when I was so sad (it was during my PhD – don’t know if I told you this) and I cried so much. I locked myself in Liyana’s room – there were papers around me. I took those papers and start rearranging them. Suddenly, I saw this phrase written on a paper like it was sent to me there and then…it says, “why are you so sad? Don’t you know that Allah is with you all the time?” Subhanallah… I can’t believe my eyes! I believe Allah send messages to us only that we sometimes are too busy to notice. So do not forget to make dua that you will be able to pass through the days with a smile on your face. I don’t know what your days gonna be like but however difficult it was, you shouldn’t feel sad. Remember for every muslim, there is no grieve nor fear. And Allah promised - with every difficulty, there is easy. Indeed, with every difficulty, there is ease. For us who have faith in Him, we keep our spirit high and hope for the best. May Allah help you to step forward with bravery with a new motivation to help others who needs you. I know there are many of them! So.. be brave, kak long. We are supporting you all the way….. CONGRATULATIONS, DOCTOR! I love you all the same.


CHAYYOOOOOKK!!
mama

“Whoever submits his whole self to God, and is a doer of good, has grasped indeed the most trustworthy handhold; and with God rests the End and Decision of all affairs (Luqman: 22)

A new experience - The ESQ way

Alhamdulillah... all praise be to Allah, Lord of the universe.

I thank Allah for selecting me to the ESQ training. I know that nothing can be perfect but alhamdulillah, the ESQ trainers had tried their very best to make people realise how great GOD is and we must perform our duties as his KHALIQ. They are noble people whose mission is not only to have good for themselves but spreading good for others. I hope their message goes to everyone. Those big screen projectors are really multiplying the impact of those image projected - how beautiful and magnificient the planet and the universe, the beautiful landscape of this earth, the wonderful feeling of freedom when you fly with an eagle across the Grand Canyon and up in the sky, the simulated journey of a soul leaving a body .... and many more. I can just say that these are brilliant work of brilliant individuals... may Allah reward them with goodness for their pure intentions!

Perhaps after the training, when we read the Quran, we can feel the attachment and the impact of Allah's words. To many who attended ESQ, these verses must be familiar:



Demi matahari dan sinarnya di pagi hari
Demi bulan apabila ia mengiringi
Demi siang hari bila menampakkan dirinya
Demi malam apabila ia menutupi

Demi langit beserta seluruh binaannya
Demi bumi serta yang ada di hamparannya
Demi jiwa dan seluruh penyempurnaannya

Allah, Subhanallah! Allah, Subhanallah
Allah, Subhanallah! Allah, Subahanallah

Allah mengilhamkan sukma kefasikan dan ketaqwaan
Beruntung bagi yang mensucikan-Nya
Merugi bagi yang mengotori-Nya ... Subhanallah



In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, Most Merciful.

By the Sun and his (glorious) splendour,
By the Moon as she follows him;
By the Day as it shows up (the Sun's) glory;
By the Night as it conceals it;
By the Firmament and its (wonderful) structure;
By the Earth and its (wide) expanse;
By the Soul, and the proportion and order given to it;
And its enlightenment, as to its wrong and its right;
Truly he succeeds, that purifies it;
And he fails, that corrupts it;
As-syams(91:1-10)

I believe we will read the Quran like never before.... insya'Allah.

"Indeed, the Quran talks directly to our hearts without asking us to abadon our logical thinking. It in fact relies heavily on our unfailing use of the faculty of reasoning, throughout the session, as the Almighty urges us to reflect - do you not see..... , do they not consider...., and on and on. FAITH is to be a product of understanding, not lack of it. "Do they not consider the Quran (with care)? Had it been from other than God, they would surely have found therein much discepancy" (Quran 4:82) asks the Quran. Further, it declares: "Nay, here are Signs self-evident in the hearts of those endowed with knowledge: and none but the unjust reject Our Signs." (Quran 29:49)." The Holy Quran Translation by Abdullah Yusuf Ali.

I remember a very powerful verse on the Big Bang when Allah reveals to our beloved prophet, Muhammad p.b.u.h. 1400 years ago when Big Bang or any theory of the universe had never been heard before.... Allah says:

"the heavens and the earth were joined together as one unit, before We clove them asunder" (21:30). Following this big explosion, Allah "turned to the sky, and it had been (as) smoke. He said to it and to the earth: 'Come together, willingly or unwillingly.' They said: 'We come (together) in willing obedience'" (41:11). Thus the elements and what was to become the planets and stars began to cool, come together, and form into shape, following the natural laws that Allah established in the universe.

He whom Allah guides, he is the rightly-guided; but he whom He sends astray, for him you will find no Wali (guiding friend) to lead him (to the right path)) (18:17)

Whomsoever Allah sends astray, none can guide him; and He lets them wander blindly in their transgression) (7:186)

Let's pray that we are among those whom Allah guides and among those whom Allah loves...AMEEN.

BACK IN UK

I've abandon my blog for awhile...as usual, there are too many things to do and yet, too little time. but I managed to get away from the hussle and bussle of that small town. It is good to have a break when all of the sudden, you feel free like a bird. Well, not really...but I try to use my time to think less of work and more of myself. Good to be back where there are many familiar faces around - and updating news of friends around here - people got married, having children, moved.. so many things have changed and I've only been away for a year or so.

It is very cold in Swansea these past few days. The smell of colored leaves on the ground really brings back the memory of winter and life as a graduate student. It surely was stressful but when someone mentioned that given even 1 million, no one would want to do PhD for the second time, I said I would do it. I don't know. It is good to live without any specific schedule. At work, you need to deal with too many things - sometimes you think that they must be crazy assigning you with lots of tasks all at the same time. Do they think that you are a robot? I hate being in those group of people who live for their work. I work to live - I have alot of other important things in life that are of higher priority like family. Surely, going back to UK is all about family.... and today, is another successful day for the family. God is most merciful and kind.

It was drizzling and cold early this morning. I was waiting for a bus -not a common thing for me.. I've been driving around before and now, i am less mobile. Those ladies and gentlemen who waited at the bus stop were surely friendly. That lady told me of a famous phrase among these 'bus waiters' - watched kettle never boils! In Swansea, most of the users of their transportation system are elderly people (and of course, university students)... the lady who talked to me stopped driving and become a regular bus rider. They all seem kind and friendly.

Back at the university mosque, things are much as it was.. people are kind and although there are many new faces, it still feels like home. Sheikh Mohsen is clever as ever with his words. his children's english is so much better than before. They have quran class yesterday, charity activities last week.. still tafseer class every Monday but yesterday, the class was cancelled and so many other activities on the board showing their motivation and enthusiasm in working with the student/community. Someone took shahadah a few days back and it was funny yesterday, when she told us that she was playing with a wet dog before she came to the mosque and we were like dumbstruck but still all smiling! Not that it is prohibited but we try to avoid dogs when they are wet. she said the dog was so cute and she simply forgot.. so the dog was all over her ;)

Amir met most of his schoolmates.. he must be very happy! i know he missed them so much.

many things happened today.... and i feel like tired now but I had to walk or take a bus home. So I better pack up my things now. It has been a long day but certainly, it feels good to be back in UK!!!

Oh.. We might have a small celebration party later today ;;;)