One day, you will thank me, insya'Allah!

It is not easy to send someone you love away... in life, you will have to do this over and over again. If you have children, you just need to get used to it. December went very fast.. the new year is here and this year will past us in the same manner, I'm sure. I was enjoying myself having Kak Long at home.. and sometimes having my nieces at home is a blessing too.. it makes the house seems livelier. We are not a big family, so when even when one child is away.. you feel the effect. But it seems like today is different. I woke up with no children around me at all. Where's my baby? 

Amir is away. We sent him to a good islamic school yesterday.  Since the school is far away, he had to stay in the hostel. Of course, he gave lots of excuses and persuade us not to send him there. But I told myself that I cannot entertain him this time. We need to help him!

It is not easy for Amir to adapt to Malaysian life. It is quite unusual when you think about it. When Malaysian children are brought to UK, they did not find difficulties in adapting to the new environment.. which is totally new to them. People are different in many ways there... the culture, the language, the way of life, the values.. but kids did not find these things too difficult to accept. They almost instantly blend in. Most of the kids I know enjoy school, they find teachers are nice and helpful - so they don't complain - not really. 

Now when these Malaysian kids come back to their old environment.. their own country, their own people.. surrounded by people who speak their own language, they find it difficult to adapt. They feel uneasy.. if possible, they want to go back to UK. They want their UK school, their UK friends, their UK teachers.. Why is that?

When I listen to similar stories of how Malaysian children find difficulties to adapt, I can understand because I have observed Amir.. it is quite a psychological thing for them to come back. I describe the analogy is like you gave a child a game.. they will take time to learn how to play the game.. they find it amazing, play it well, enjoy it so much and once they are addicted to it, you take it away. Is it not fair? No.. you cannot talk about fair or unfair in this situation. You have to teach children to be grateful - to understand that in life, things happen and you have to accept the decree of Allah. We cannot control everything. This that are beyond our control is what Allah's has decreed and whatever Allah decreed is the best for us. 

Like Saidina Ali r.a. said, if we can open up the scroll of decree in front of our eyes, we will not want to change a thing. This is the concept of Redha.. willingness to accept the decree and at the same time, striving for the best in life.

I have heard a friend's child screaming on top of his voice outside his house, "I wanna go back!!" How do you think a mother would feel like.. When a child is hurt, a mother is in greater pain. Amir did not scream - he did not cry. But even when he was sitting quietly at one corner of a lake nearby, looking very far and thinking - I can feel his pain. I understand what he was going through. When he was asked to write an essay about himself, he wrote in English and translated - he said, "I feel bored. I can't play skateboard anymore.. " - actually he wanted to say that he missed his friends. He used to skateboard down the Brynmill road with his buddies.. Liam, Bradley, Lee.. and many more. He used to hang around the Brynmill park, playing with his friends. Even sister Saedah (my mauritiaus sister) who live beside the park, misses Amir. She said, when she passed the park, she can visualise Amir there with his friends. They used to pass by her house... giving salam to her! She adores Amir as she doesn't have any son. She said one day, "Amir, you are my son.. come to my house anytime you like... ". And when I went back to Swansea lone last October, I feel sad walking along the Brynmill park watching the children playing there. I feel like I saw him there.. so I stayed there watching the kids playing football... there was so much emotion. At that instance, I know how much he wanted to be back!

We have to look at our future. Don't look back! These were exactly my words to Amir. I told him to think about his future. We are sending him to the new school, new environment so that he will not be left behind. If he always think about going back to UK, it will not do any good to him. I asked him to look at the group of boys in front of him.. i told him these boys will be great leaders... they will be engineers, doctors, researchers... they can be whatever they want to be, insya'Allah. I want him to be among them. I want him to be among the excellent people, so that he can be great too. He has all the potential but nothing can happen if he stays in front of the TV all day or internetting all day long. You cannot throw away your life like that. We have to shape up or shape out.

When I hugged Amir before we go, I can feel his love. There is no doubt about him loving us so much.. we are everything to him, my baby. But he cannot stay as my baby forever. He has to grow up. He has to think about his future. (Must be scary for kids to think about their future and the uncertainties of life.. ) 

So when I left Amir, I told him that one day he will thank me for this. That is what I told him and myself too. I saw in his eyes that he wanted to believe that too. He remind me to come every week and so we promised. We left him smiling and perhaps, deep inside, anxious! I told him I love him and will do whatever in my power for his own good, insya'Allah.

On my way back on the highway, i feel like it was only yesterday I was sending Kak Long and Liyana to boarding school. I remember how Liyana was happy and adapting well with her friends. Kak Long on the other hand, was a bit sad whenever we left because her school was very far away. Now they are finishing universities but still, it seems like yesterday...

While I was on my thoughts, I received a call from my brother. He already sent my nephew, Hafis- a 13yr old -  to a madrasah. We had to send him very far, up north.. in the middle of nowhere for some good reasons. My brother told me when he left, the boy cried a bit - perhaps anxious and uncertain of the new environment.. being a stranger is difficult for little boys. I asked my brother if he give him a hug. Yes he did... So I guess Hafis has to learn to adapt just lke Amir .. they both will be going through the same process.. in different situations.

So today I woke up with a mixed feeling - happy that the children seems to do well but at the same time, missing them all. I remember what Amir said when we were shopping for his things - he said, we are losing our family. We are all separated.. I assured him that we are not losing our family... this is life.. you cannot have everyone by your side all the time. You cannot be together everyday.. but we are all together in our hearts. I smile to him but it is really sad to hear him say that. I wonder how those great people of Islam were sent to study the Quran to far away land by their parents. They had to travel on foot, some took months to reach. Now we have cars to drive along the highway.. take only hours. Still we feel guilty sending them to become better muslims.. Our children are happy at home with us. They don't want to go away. But perhaps we can continue the legacy?? Perhaps these are sacrifices that Allah will reward us for.. when it is done for all the right reasons.

Amir.. I hope you are doing well and that one day, you will really thank me for this. In the mean time, you have to be strong. We cannot get everything we wanted in life.. we have to strive. And once we put effort, Allah will help us... and so He promised. Prayers are answered for those who wait. So pray well and strive well. We love you so much. So Kak Long and Kak Ngah! We are all praying for you. May Allah's blessings and grace be with you.. May He reward you well and help you to adapt. May He be please with your effort and ours too. May He grant us all jannatul Firdaus - a better place than what we have here... the best HOME for us all. 

So, all the best, my dear baby!

 

A friend from the past

It is interesting when you have gone on a long journey. That is how I look at my life. I am not that old but it seems like life has taken me to many different points... many interesting events with different colours added to it. And there are things attached to all these memories. I don't know how other people relate to their old memories but it is funny when you think about it. For myself, sometimes I relate to my memories with songs. There are songs that will take me back to United States when I was very young and naive (That is how I describe myself). I don't enjoy songs like I did before.. but sometimes, when I was driving and suddenly I heard an old song on the air, it will take me to certain situations... like snow time or spring time or night time when I was in Wheat Shocker apartment (US) years back. When that happens, you feel strange - it is hard to describe... sadness, a sense of missing something...a tingling sensation. 

When I was in UK, I used to walk with my iPod to school - playing "Fatamorgana" nasyid. I don't know why I love the wording so much.. it is quite spiritual and deep. It talks about how in life that things are unreal - that we have to strive for the hereafter. I guess that is why I like the nasyid so much coz it reminds me of that fact. Doing PhD takes one to many different path.. so we need to constantly remind ourselves what life is all about.

Back to the title of my post, I had a best friend when I was in US... we are kindred spirits. Our experience of youth was about the same... that makes people relate better - when they have similar experience. She now live very far from us.. that is life. After university, you all go on your own separate ways.. not many people get to stick together... So suddenly when I called her, she was on holiday and decided to come over - 3hrs drive from the place she was. 

We had a nice time together.. now and then, we tried to recollect old memories... the games we used to play, the K-Mart blue-light sale shopping that we enjoyed together especially during end of summer season, the friends - of course we did get to cover that much as she couldn't stay the night. 

Before they left, we had a nice "Cendol" time at the famous mamak's place. We sat there eating cendol and then one of us said.. look at us! We started with four and now there're many of us. How true... time flies so fast and now, we are all busy with our families - doing whatever we are good at. We can attain so many different things in life - each with his/her own achievement. Of course we will not end up at the same point but wherever we end up at, we made each other's proud.

Before they left, we took a nice photo together. Even though the back ground of the photo is not New York city or London or any great city.. it was only a mamak cendol's stall, but the photo tell so many stories of us.. of our journey of life and our achievements. Looking at the photos when I was in the car, I smiled to myself. I am proud to have friends who would travel very far just to be with us even for a short time. How nice. So before they make their turn, I gave my friend, her husband and their children a bye-bye and a big flying kiss - hoping to see them again in the near future.

We now back to our own destiny... doing our own things. But being friends, we will always be together in spirit - just like Anne Shirley said!

The true image...

We were driving along near our house when we drove past an old man. He was trying to hitch hike to an opposite direction. Both of us looked at him with amazement. He was wearing a long white dress with long white trousers like muslim traveller used to wear (I guess!) His attire showed that he was a traveller as it was not crispy white. He also have his "serban" on top of his head. 

I was saddened. This old man needed help but with the current condition, I can't do anything. I might be risking my life. But he looked authentic. I wanted to help but my daughter said no. 

A sudden feeling came over me. He looked like a pious man but still, he looked strange. Most importantly, in this area, he looked different! What had happened to us? This man looked weird? How weird is it to look like a real muslim? Now such appearance is a stranger to us. When people wear western attire, they look ok - normal. But when someone wear the proper muslim attire, they look abnormal.. must be something wrong! They are like coming from outer space, or from another dimension. 

Then look at Islam. When people wanted to implement proper Islamic teaching, we put all the wrong labels because those teachings are not familiar to us... we got confuse between what is culture and what is islam. We got really confuse. At which point have we gone wrong? I don't have the answer to that.. never will. But we can all help to improve the situation by reminding ourselves and others to learn the real meaning of Islam. If we go out from our own country, then it is easier to see. Islam is not about being a Malay, a Chinese, an African or an Arab. It is not about culture but a way of life... which way of life. Perhaps many of us are too confuse to answer now. Unless we can see proper examples, we will continue being confused. May Allah send to us people who can lead the way.. the right way to true ISLAM. The true image! 

Night of Eid.. thinking

Tonight is the night or eid. Again I am on my blog trying to capture my inner thoughts. For a few days, life was a bit hectic with lots of weddings to attend and doing some social obligations. It is good to be awake early to listen to your heart and to get connected again. Sometimes, while doing some of your social obligations, you tend to forget who you are and why you are here. Your surroundings are not that supportive.. that I have to remind myself now and then.

I remember when I was in UK - Allah reminded me of how bad things can be. How I should ask fatwa from my heart to seek guidance. I don't know if the signal is still strong but I am sure I can be losing those signals if I am not careful. I am scared if Allah is displease that He will stop sending signals - lights that I need in order to be on the right path. I miss all those moments when I can feel the signals are strong even when I know at times, I make mistake time and time again... but I have trust that with continuous taubah, Allah will guide.

Weddings can be complicated. People likes to follow traditions that are not related to them at all. To conform to a certain social standard, one thought that one has to do certain things and adhere certain regulations or act in certain ways. Like I always said, Allah makes things easy but we ourselves make things difficult for us. The sunnah way is easy to follow but we choose to follow other things - life can be deceiving and many of us can be off tracked! Being at these weddings, I can't stop asking myself what had happened to the society? What do they want to show? Having music and those entertainment - can the wedding be blessed? Will the angles join us in our prayers to ask Allah for the well being of the newly wed? Hopefully the answer is yes. But we are very forgetful and in those loud musics, it doesn't help to remember Allah and to relate to Him. The DJs become the most important person in the weddings... controlling the admosphere. Is that the right thing to do? It is all like the Aznil macam-macam.. people are going for that now. They all want to become Aznil. When I came home (back in Malaysia), I was amazed. How can everyone accepts the TV programs with all those crazy entertainment.. the kids, the old people - they seem to be accepting whatever is there. Can we??? Who is the culprit that sets these standards?

I remember someone's story about the 2 groups of frogs. The 2 groups of frogs were put in 2 separate bowls. One group was in bowl A where the temperature was increasing slowly and the other group was in bowl B where the temperature was normal. When the temparture increased suddently in bowl B, the frogs jumped to save their lives. The frogs in A did not jump because they did not realised the temperature as it goes higher. So at a certain point, the frogs died because they were too weak to jump when they realised the temperature was unbearable.

This will happen to us.. if we let ourselves in these entertainment, we'll not realised until it is too late to save ourselves. Our heart will weaken and we will not see the right thing because we are too deep in it already.

Weddings are blessed occasions. We need to adhere to Islamic traditions. May be the tragedies in our lives.. like Bukit Antarabangsa are reminders to us... yes, they are due to some scientific factors but Allah is wise. He will not let things happen just like that. Things will happen according to the Law of the Universe. We can only see the surface of things.. but we need to open up our hearts too... to listen to the fatwa of the heart. Are we living like true muslims? Are we educating the non-muslims on how we should lead our lives? Unless we stop and think, contemplate and repent, Allah will not bestow on us blessings and happiness that we are searching for. And what's left for us is just a quest of the material things... the moment to moment joy that won't last. Remind me of Al'Ghazali's the alchemist of Happiness.... we should be in the quest of that happiness in order to prepare ourselves for the real life that is coming anytime, insya'Allah!

Wallahu'alam.

This was then... When i started this blog (thought i better keep it)

I am currently a full time PhD student in Swansea University. Yes.. i am in 4th year and now struggling to find that so-called light at the end of the tunnel. I don't know if i have seen even a crack but everyone needs to have patience.. May Allah make it easy! (Update) Now, i think i have found that crack and see that tiny light, Alhamdulillah! During my first year of embarking onto this long journey, i found a very good phrase that continues to inspire me throughout my journey .."The real voyage of discovering consists not only in seeking new lands, but in seeing with new eyes". Indeed, this is very true. You can see many different types of people who had gone through so much in their lives but they never want to change. We cannot stay rigid nor timid but instead, we have to be brave and open minded. There is another phrase that inspires me for years and years. It is about struggle in life and how we thought life will complete once we overcome these hurdles but like the Quran said, "Life is a struggle". We all have to work hard. The body is a rented vehicle and we should make the most of it before the Owner claims it back. Wallahu'alam.

Appreciation

Sometimes in life, you need someone to pat your back and say, "You did great!". But most of the time, people do not respond that way. Even when you think you have achieved the highest, they simply forgot or just don't bother. Does it really matter? Of course, we should say, no.. but deep in our hearts, we still need all those appreciation to be heard. We are just being human. Allah do not make life that straight forward. We are tested by people around us. Even those who seem kind, they don't really care or they just don't understand... my son would describe this situation as SAD. 

Even when some of us are back in my office, no one in the meeting take any initiative to just announce that yes.. she is back and we welcome her. No... I guess we malaysians are not that expressive. I remember when I was back in UK when I had my viva... passed my other international friends and they celebrated me with hugs and kisses along with the congratulation wishes. 

I believe being appreciative or even expressive is very important to relate with people nicely. It is good to be able to say something about anything around you... what's wrong being a bit more alert of what people wear or do or behave or anything at all. If you are a Head of Dept or a boss, remember to congratulate on good occasions or welcome people in meetings. It makes them feel appreciated and help build the team spirit. Isn't it good to be able to work where you feel belong? A 2 sec thing might give a long impact on those you lead. 

So remember to appreciate those around you and see if you can make a difference! 

DREAM.. BAD?

It is good to be back. I have not written for sometime now. I've just finished compiling my thesis and sent them for binding so that I would be able to mail them to my university. I am happy that I have sort them out... oh!!! It was a messy process - having to do many copies and printing color and non-color separately - at last, I abandoned the copies and print all 6 copies on one printer so that I'm sure I do not miss any pages. Only those who had gone through similar experience will understand what i mean.. it is not as easy as it seems.

Anyway, I want to talk about a different subject through what I have experienced recently.

I have learnt through experience that when  you have a bad dream, you should not tell anyone. I have not had bad dreams but recently, I had terrible dreams that made me so restless... I know I should say it but I want others to learn from my lesson... so I hope it is not considered bad dreams after all. Anyway, when I woke up from the dream, I was glad that it was only a dream and wonder why I had such dreams... it was 2 similar consecutive dream that made me sweat. I slept early that night. When I woke up, I found my son still awake. He was, as usual, on the internet, playing Gaia - I suppose. I did not say anything to him. 

Then, he said to me that I should not put the doll on the table in my room. (I bought many dolls in UK - intentionally for my nieces but as they are so adorable I did not have a heart to give them away. So I kept 2 dolls with me and that evening, I was going through my things when I found them. Admiring how beautiful they are, I put one of them on the table in my room. These dolls were porcelain dolls with beautiful gowns on them with laces and other accessories). My son continued by saying that the angles will not come into my room because of these dolls.  I looked at him and immediately I said to myself "O.. that's why!" He asked me what I meant by that but I said nothing. It dawned on me that my dreams must have something to do with the angles not coming to my room. It could be. 

Imagine when angles are deterred from entering your house... how terrible is that. So I figured.. it is not worth it.. why keep all these beautiful figures in your room that keep away the blessings from entering your life. It is so true that sometimes when you think something is good for you - it might not be. So we have to be wise.. the morale of the story??? It doesn't matter how beautiful things are.... if they don't bring anything good, keep away!! Have I learnt my lesson well? Yes, I don't want to end up having bad dreams anymore!

Then I wonder.. how about those people who keep statues in their houses??? How do they expect the angles to come into their houses? I guess to some people, it doesn't really matter ... but if you want to keep close to Allah, Allah will help you clear the way - wallahu 'alam.