Mother's Day

When I was small, my world revolved around me and my dad. Everything was me and my dad.. how we used to go round the town on his motorcycle and how he used to pick me up and embarrassed me in front of my friends. He was so proud of me. Every time I got good grades, he'll take me on his motorcycle and told his friends when he meet them. I can see how proud he was. My favourite dish was "Sup Kepala Ikan Merah" which my mom loves to make. My dad would proudly said like, "who says fish head is not good for the brain... my daughter loves it and she is doing very well at school!". Oh Dad! I miss you so much.

Before I left for the United States for my first degree, we stayed at our relative's house in Bangi. He planted a coconut tree as a reminder of my departure - not everyone gets to go to United States for a degree - ... I am the first in the family and got a Petronas sholarship. Of course, he was very proud. Every time I called home, I always ask to talk to my Dad. I don't know why... I guess my Dad had played an important role in my life. He send me letters and used the say like "Kehadapan anakanda yang dikasihi".. such formal words - Mind you, he was a Policeman. and when I read the letters, I would just cry and cry. I missed my family but I miss him especially. Oh.. how long ago it was but the memory was so vivid in my mind. I was naive and being away at that young age was kind of a shock to me. I've never been away from home. To me, I was given "wings". With those "wings", I got married and had my first daughter there. Wow.. how adventurous my life was.

Things were never the same when I came back from the United States. My Dad did not show up at the airport... I was shocked! I can feel that something was not right. I kept asking everyone where he was... he was at home! I guess this is the first time I am openly talking about it.. I was pregnant with my second child and my first daughter was 2 1/2 years old at that time. He was a bit upset somehow.... he never express it but I figured that out after sometime. Now I understand his frustration. I was the so called "brightest" in the family. I was his pride and joy. He wanted to see me getting good job and be successful in my career. But there I was... all pregnant with no job yet and family to feed. Of course I have my husband but we were like kids then. No job yet and 2 kids? This is not America...

Wow... how time flies.... life was a bit difficult but we have made it somehow - the turbulances, we had gone through that. I believe if my Dad is here, he'll be so proud of me again. He has such a lovely heart. He loved people and he was always there for me. Even when he was frustrated with me, but he loves my children. He taught Kak Long to talk. Kak Long was not talking yet when we came back from the US. He taught her every day... I remember how he used to sit at the kitchen table and he was fantastic with my kids. Oh.. He loved them so much and was especially close to Liyana. One day he came to visit because he missed the children and on that day, Liyana took her first step.. she started walking. Today, liyana is already in university... she is having her third year final exam today.

Back to my story, when I got the phone call about my Dad's death (1998), I feel like I can't breath anymore. The world stopped. I wasn't expecting it coming at all. I don't understand why he has to go so early... I thought he would be there for me always. I want him to see me progresses in life... I want him to see how wonderfully my children grow. Somehow, we assume our parents would always be there for us.. To me, he looked healthy enough .... he had his heart problem but he was always smiling when I was home... I cried and cried all the way home. We had to drive back and we were about 300 kms away. My husband was driving so fast that night when he was caught by a policeman. When my husband told the policeman of the situation, he let us go and advised us to drive safely.... After a few days, we found a poem wrote by Liyana for my dad. We read in front of everyone and we all cried.. my sisters, my brother, my mom.. everyone was so touched. She throwed it away.. she was hurt! Everyone was... the house seems to be empty without Dad and we still felt his presence for sometime. It was like he was at the mosque praying or out to town. We can't really seem to digest the reality just yet. Well... everything takes time and we thank Allah for giving us the courage and patience to go through all the difficult times in our lives.

After my dad was gone, I realise that I still have a mom. Oh mom.. I am so sorry I neglected you. I was always thinking about Dad and my Mom was always second place. Being a mom, I understand her more now than I used to. Now that Dad is gone, I came back to be near her... I watch her grow old day by day and it breaks my heart. Well... I am growing older too! But seeing her getting older physically makes you think.. what should you do for her now. I determine to make her happy. I determine to make her proud of me. I want her to love me and be please with me so Allah will be please. I want to be closer to her now... Oh Allah, help me to be a good daughter to my mom and to please her so that you will be pleased.

So on Mother's day last sunday, I kissed her and hugged her and gave her a bouquet of flowers. Of course.. they aren't the real orchids. I don't want to put her into more work, having to water and look after it... She was so happy and said, "Rudy, it must be expensive!" (In my heart, I was saying.. nothing is expensive when it comes to you ... you have done so much for me). That is my mom. She was always anxious about money... she is always careful not to trouble us and I love her so much. Happy Mother's Day, mom. I love you. How bless I am to still have you around.

Allah says in His holy book, "And we enjoined upon man to be dutiful to his parents - his mother bore him in weakness upon weakness and his weaning lasted two years that you be grateful to Me and to your parents. To Me is the destination. But if they strive with you on that you set partners with Me that of which you have not any knowldege of, then do not obey them. but keep them in company in the world with kindness; and follow the way of those who turn in repentance to Me. Then to Me will be your return and I shall inform you of what you used to do". (Surah Al-Luqman:14,15).

And to my children, thanks for the mother's day wishes.... I love you all too very much.