A friend from the past

It is interesting when you have gone on a long journey. That is how I look at my life. I am not that old but it seems like life has taken me to many different points... many interesting events with different colours added to it. And there are things attached to all these memories. I don't know how other people relate to their old memories but it is funny when you think about it. For myself, sometimes I relate to my memories with songs. There are songs that will take me back to United States when I was very young and naive (That is how I describe myself). I don't enjoy songs like I did before.. but sometimes, when I was driving and suddenly I heard an old song on the air, it will take me to certain situations... like snow time or spring time or night time when I was in Wheat Shocker apartment (US) years back. When that happens, you feel strange - it is hard to describe... sadness, a sense of missing something...a tingling sensation. 

When I was in UK, I used to walk with my iPod to school - playing "Fatamorgana" nasyid. I don't know why I love the wording so much.. it is quite spiritual and deep. It talks about how in life that things are unreal - that we have to strive for the hereafter. I guess that is why I like the nasyid so much coz it reminds me of that fact. Doing PhD takes one to many different path.. so we need to constantly remind ourselves what life is all about.

Back to the title of my post, I had a best friend when I was in US... we are kindred spirits. Our experience of youth was about the same... that makes people relate better - when they have similar experience. She now live very far from us.. that is life. After university, you all go on your own separate ways.. not many people get to stick together... So suddenly when I called her, she was on holiday and decided to come over - 3hrs drive from the place she was. 

We had a nice time together.. now and then, we tried to recollect old memories... the games we used to play, the K-Mart blue-light sale shopping that we enjoyed together especially during end of summer season, the friends - of course we did get to cover that much as she couldn't stay the night. 

Before they left, we had a nice "Cendol" time at the famous mamak's place. We sat there eating cendol and then one of us said.. look at us! We started with four and now there're many of us. How true... time flies so fast and now, we are all busy with our families - doing whatever we are good at. We can attain so many different things in life - each with his/her own achievement. Of course we will not end up at the same point but wherever we end up at, we made each other's proud.

Before they left, we took a nice photo together. Even though the back ground of the photo is not New York city or London or any great city.. it was only a mamak cendol's stall, but the photo tell so many stories of us.. of our journey of life and our achievements. Looking at the photos when I was in the car, I smiled to myself. I am proud to have friends who would travel very far just to be with us even for a short time. How nice. So before they make their turn, I gave my friend, her husband and their children a bye-bye and a big flying kiss - hoping to see them again in the near future.

We now back to our own destiny... doing our own things. But being friends, we will always be together in spirit - just like Anne Shirley said!

The true image...

We were driving along near our house when we drove past an old man. He was trying to hitch hike to an opposite direction. Both of us looked at him with amazement. He was wearing a long white dress with long white trousers like muslim traveller used to wear (I guess!) His attire showed that he was a traveller as it was not crispy white. He also have his "serban" on top of his head. 

I was saddened. This old man needed help but with the current condition, I can't do anything. I might be risking my life. But he looked authentic. I wanted to help but my daughter said no. 

A sudden feeling came over me. He looked like a pious man but still, he looked strange. Most importantly, in this area, he looked different! What had happened to us? This man looked weird? How weird is it to look like a real muslim? Now such appearance is a stranger to us. When people wear western attire, they look ok - normal. But when someone wear the proper muslim attire, they look abnormal.. must be something wrong! They are like coming from outer space, or from another dimension. 

Then look at Islam. When people wanted to implement proper Islamic teaching, we put all the wrong labels because those teachings are not familiar to us... we got confuse between what is culture and what is islam. We got really confuse. At which point have we gone wrong? I don't have the answer to that.. never will. But we can all help to improve the situation by reminding ourselves and others to learn the real meaning of Islam. If we go out from our own country, then it is easier to see. Islam is not about being a Malay, a Chinese, an African or an Arab. It is not about culture but a way of life... which way of life. Perhaps many of us are too confuse to answer now. Unless we can see proper examples, we will continue being confused. May Allah send to us people who can lead the way.. the right way to true ISLAM. The true image! 

Night of Eid.. thinking

Tonight is the night or eid. Again I am on my blog trying to capture my inner thoughts. For a few days, life was a bit hectic with lots of weddings to attend and doing some social obligations. It is good to be awake early to listen to your heart and to get connected again. Sometimes, while doing some of your social obligations, you tend to forget who you are and why you are here. Your surroundings are not that supportive.. that I have to remind myself now and then.

I remember when I was in UK - Allah reminded me of how bad things can be. How I should ask fatwa from my heart to seek guidance. I don't know if the signal is still strong but I am sure I can be losing those signals if I am not careful. I am scared if Allah is displease that He will stop sending signals - lights that I need in order to be on the right path. I miss all those moments when I can feel the signals are strong even when I know at times, I make mistake time and time again... but I have trust that with continuous taubah, Allah will guide.

Weddings can be complicated. People likes to follow traditions that are not related to them at all. To conform to a certain social standard, one thought that one has to do certain things and adhere certain regulations or act in certain ways. Like I always said, Allah makes things easy but we ourselves make things difficult for us. The sunnah way is easy to follow but we choose to follow other things - life can be deceiving and many of us can be off tracked! Being at these weddings, I can't stop asking myself what had happened to the society? What do they want to show? Having music and those entertainment - can the wedding be blessed? Will the angles join us in our prayers to ask Allah for the well being of the newly wed? Hopefully the answer is yes. But we are very forgetful and in those loud musics, it doesn't help to remember Allah and to relate to Him. The DJs become the most important person in the weddings... controlling the admosphere. Is that the right thing to do? It is all like the Aznil macam-macam.. people are going for that now. They all want to become Aznil. When I came home (back in Malaysia), I was amazed. How can everyone accepts the TV programs with all those crazy entertainment.. the kids, the old people - they seem to be accepting whatever is there. Can we??? Who is the culprit that sets these standards?

I remember someone's story about the 2 groups of frogs. The 2 groups of frogs were put in 2 separate bowls. One group was in bowl A where the temperature was increasing slowly and the other group was in bowl B where the temperature was normal. When the temparture increased suddently in bowl B, the frogs jumped to save their lives. The frogs in A did not jump because they did not realised the temperature as it goes higher. So at a certain point, the frogs died because they were too weak to jump when they realised the temperature was unbearable.

This will happen to us.. if we let ourselves in these entertainment, we'll not realised until it is too late to save ourselves. Our heart will weaken and we will not see the right thing because we are too deep in it already.

Weddings are blessed occasions. We need to adhere to Islamic traditions. May be the tragedies in our lives.. like Bukit Antarabangsa are reminders to us... yes, they are due to some scientific factors but Allah is wise. He will not let things happen just like that. Things will happen according to the Law of the Universe. We can only see the surface of things.. but we need to open up our hearts too... to listen to the fatwa of the heart. Are we living like true muslims? Are we educating the non-muslims on how we should lead our lives? Unless we stop and think, contemplate and repent, Allah will not bestow on us blessings and happiness that we are searching for. And what's left for us is just a quest of the material things... the moment to moment joy that won't last. Remind me of Al'Ghazali's the alchemist of Happiness.... we should be in the quest of that happiness in order to prepare ourselves for the real life that is coming anytime, insya'Allah!

Wallahu'alam.

This was then... When i started this blog (thought i better keep it)

I am currently a full time PhD student in Swansea University. Yes.. i am in 4th year and now struggling to find that so-called light at the end of the tunnel. I don't know if i have seen even a crack but everyone needs to have patience.. May Allah make it easy! (Update) Now, i think i have found that crack and see that tiny light, Alhamdulillah! During my first year of embarking onto this long journey, i found a very good phrase that continues to inspire me throughout my journey .."The real voyage of discovering consists not only in seeking new lands, but in seeing with new eyes". Indeed, this is very true. You can see many different types of people who had gone through so much in their lives but they never want to change. We cannot stay rigid nor timid but instead, we have to be brave and open minded. There is another phrase that inspires me for years and years. It is about struggle in life and how we thought life will complete once we overcome these hurdles but like the Quran said, "Life is a struggle". We all have to work hard. The body is a rented vehicle and we should make the most of it before the Owner claims it back. Wallahu'alam.

Appreciation

Sometimes in life, you need someone to pat your back and say, "You did great!". But most of the time, people do not respond that way. Even when you think you have achieved the highest, they simply forgot or just don't bother. Does it really matter? Of course, we should say, no.. but deep in our hearts, we still need all those appreciation to be heard. We are just being human. Allah do not make life that straight forward. We are tested by people around us. Even those who seem kind, they don't really care or they just don't understand... my son would describe this situation as SAD. 

Even when some of us are back in my office, no one in the meeting take any initiative to just announce that yes.. she is back and we welcome her. No... I guess we malaysians are not that expressive. I remember when I was back in UK when I had my viva... passed my other international friends and they celebrated me with hugs and kisses along with the congratulation wishes. 

I believe being appreciative or even expressive is very important to relate with people nicely. It is good to be able to say something about anything around you... what's wrong being a bit more alert of what people wear or do or behave or anything at all. If you are a Head of Dept or a boss, remember to congratulate on good occasions or welcome people in meetings. It makes them feel appreciated and help build the team spirit. Isn't it good to be able to work where you feel belong? A 2 sec thing might give a long impact on those you lead. 

So remember to appreciate those around you and see if you can make a difference! 

DREAM.. BAD?

It is good to be back. I have not written for sometime now. I've just finished compiling my thesis and sent them for binding so that I would be able to mail them to my university. I am happy that I have sort them out... oh!!! It was a messy process - having to do many copies and printing color and non-color separately - at last, I abandoned the copies and print all 6 copies on one printer so that I'm sure I do not miss any pages. Only those who had gone through similar experience will understand what i mean.. it is not as easy as it seems.

Anyway, I want to talk about a different subject through what I have experienced recently.

I have learnt through experience that when  you have a bad dream, you should not tell anyone. I have not had bad dreams but recently, I had terrible dreams that made me so restless... I know I should say it but I want others to learn from my lesson... so I hope it is not considered bad dreams after all. Anyway, when I woke up from the dream, I was glad that it was only a dream and wonder why I had such dreams... it was 2 similar consecutive dream that made me sweat. I slept early that night. When I woke up, I found my son still awake. He was, as usual, on the internet, playing Gaia - I suppose. I did not say anything to him. 

Then, he said to me that I should not put the doll on the table in my room. (I bought many dolls in UK - intentionally for my nieces but as they are so adorable I did not have a heart to give them away. So I kept 2 dolls with me and that evening, I was going through my things when I found them. Admiring how beautiful they are, I put one of them on the table in my room. These dolls were porcelain dolls with beautiful gowns on them with laces and other accessories). My son continued by saying that the angles will not come into my room because of these dolls.  I looked at him and immediately I said to myself "O.. that's why!" He asked me what I meant by that but I said nothing. It dawned on me that my dreams must have something to do with the angles not coming to my room. It could be. 

Imagine when angles are deterred from entering your house... how terrible is that. So I figured.. it is not worth it.. why keep all these beautiful figures in your room that keep away the blessings from entering your life. It is so true that sometimes when you think something is good for you - it might not be. So we have to be wise.. the morale of the story??? It doesn't matter how beautiful things are.... if they don't bring anything good, keep away!! Have I learnt my lesson well? Yes, I don't want to end up having bad dreams anymore!

Then I wonder.. how about those people who keep statues in their houses??? How do they expect the angles to come into their houses? I guess to some people, it doesn't really matter ... but if you want to keep close to Allah, Allah will help you clear the way - wallahu 'alam.

MY FLIGHTS

Life is so much interesting. On my trip to Swansea and back, I managed to meet with interesting people. On my way back to Malaysia, I was sitted beside a lady whom I found very interesting. The 7 or more hours of flight doesn’t seem that long. We chatted about many different subjects and end up finding that we do share kindred spirit. She is writing a novel of her life and I have always believe that everyone should write something about his or her life. Many of her views I shared. Although she is not a muslim, we do find similarities in our thoughts. How interesting!

Allah is great! He enables us to relate to each other through different means – we can share ideas, thoughts, experiences, love, passion and many more. It doesn’t matter where you are from and how you look like, somehow you just relate. I believe that if we open up our hearts to listen to others, we will be able to be successful in life. Not only successful, but people will love us. Sometimes, you don’t understand why you are loved but with sincere hearts and intention, Allah makes anything possible. In some people, relating to people doesn’t come naturally. But it takes years of experience to improve and to realise that you really have improved when you see changes in people when they relate to you. People are mirrors to you. You can’t see yourself or how good or how bad you behave. Most often than not, I believe what goes around comes around. We can only control ourselves and relate to others the best way we know how. No matter how people treated you, most important is you treat them with kindness to please Allah. You don’t need their praise of how kind you are or what you have done for them, but it is all for Allah’s sake. I have met many people in Swansea whom taught me so much about human relation and I really respect the way they sacrifice their comfort for others. Their sincerity, you can see in their eyes and in their words. May Allah bless them and help us to be like those whom Allah pleases.

My Lost Quran

In this flight (London - Doha), I lost my favourite Quran. I love this Quran because I wrote important points of Sheikh Abdullah’s teaching. How can I be so careless? I am sad because I feel like I have lost my sheikh! O Allah, help me to replace this with some thing better. Perhaps you want me to go on with my life. I know that I am still holding on to the memories of Swansea and thinking about how I miss my sheikhs. Perhaps You want me to let go and continue searching for that light somewhere else wherever I go. To have hope that You will guide no matter where we are. Is that it??? I remember once Brother Asim told us that when his sheikh was leaving Swansea, he thought, that’s it. He’ll never get someone like him. But Allah replaces his sheikh with another sheikh. Probably the same thing will happen to me. Will I find the same light that I found in Swansea, in Malaysia now? I believe Allah will guide me, ameen. O Allah… I always have good opinion on You. Sometimes when I think of You, I feel like having a big hole in my heart.. how can I describe it? Your love is so great that I feel that I am missing something that hurts me. And when I think of the prophet, I feel the same. It is like you want to meet him so much that you don’t really know how it feels like if you meet him but you sure feel very hurt inside because somehow you don’t really know if you can meet him very soon. Of course you have hope of the meeting, but you know you can’t tell when the meeting will happen. How great it is to be able to meet someone who is mercy to mankind. I have met great people that change my life.. surely meeting the prophet is like having the moon in your hand.

But if that feeling is lost, you will feel more hurt. It is like you have lost that special link with Allah… When I think of my Quran again, I can feel a deep hole in my heart. How can I stand losing years of tafseer lessons. Imam Al-Ghazali can afford to memorise his learning materials but not me. But as Allah said, a muslim should have no grief nor fear. So I stand strong and trust that Allah will surely replace it with something better. Yes, he will. Soon! I believe it will be soon!

 

Life is a journey...

You started off as a naive little girl,

thinking that everything is good and everyone is kind,

you did't feel scared 'coz you didn't know of the danger,

you enjoyed life and made friends with others,

but sometimes you got hurt and did not fit in.

Then you learnt that life can be difficult at times,

especially when things did not work out well as expectations were set high,

You struggle, tried every lane and sometimes you got lost,

so most of the time, you followed your instinct and hoped for the best,

you did not make it that well,

but you thought it is good enough

for when you looked at others who have less,

you felt grateful for what you have.

The lane that you took can sometimes be lonely,

So you needed companion to keep the spirit high,

you searched for someone special and love with all your heart,

but realised the only perfect love is love for your Lord.

Like others, you got married and with it, came responsibilities and other things too,

you learnt to share and grew up as a lady,

then came along these little girls and boys so tiny and adorable,

The love for them keeps you two together and steady,

You have to be strong for they needed you so,

Good times and bad times that is how you grow!

Little girls and boys grew up in front of your eyes,

they were full of joy and reminded you of yourself,

What you wanted to be and never have been,

What you wanted to have and never get,

for life is short and you can only have that much,

It is all written, whatever will be yours will be,

For when you have trust, you will always strive

You remind them now and then what life is all about,

How in life you cannot get everything that you wanted,

You have to strive hard and have trust at the same time,

You need to have patience and never lose hope,

To understand Allah's patience, you have to be patient yourself,

To understand Allah's kindness, you have to be kind too,

To understand Allah's mercy, you need to be merciful.

How true when you remind them you are actually reminding yourself!

Now that little girls and boys are already grown up,

with all the experiences, you feel more mature,

you are older now but your heart is always young,

you feel that life is just beginning but your time is almost end,

you want to tell the world of your thoughts and the paths you have taken

There is so much to tell, you are afraid time is running out.

To Allah, you are grateful for His kindness that you have gone this far,

This journey is indeed so blessed you can't believe how much you have achieved,

hopefully it will end with goodness and that goodness will be mentioned all through,

those who left will be the witness of how much you have contributed,

the knowledge you have gained, benefited and willingness to share.

Then strive hard my children for life is short,

and never forget to take little from this Dunia but strive harder for the hereafter,

We are all wayfarer on our way to the ultimate destination,

Remember that life is a journey and a short journey indeed.

- mama

This poem is dedicated to my lovely children - Rozie, Liyana and Amir. 

LIFE IS ........

For a long time it had seemed to me

That life was about to begin – real life.

But there was always some obstacle in the way.

Something to be got through first, some unfinished business,

time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin.

At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.

B. Howland

Game is almost OVER

“The real voyage of discovery consists not only in seeking new lands, but in seeing with new eyes” - Marcel Proust.

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful. First of all, I praise Allah for making this journey possible, keeping me high when the tide is low.

PhD is a long process, full of its twists and turns. But as Allah said, “So, verily, with every difficulty, there is ease! Verily, with every difficulty, there is ease!” (94:5, 6). Indeed it is true. In that difficult period, I felt my life was blessed with so many great memories. Things I had no time to do whilst I was working, I was able to do during the PhD period. Everyone has his or her own challenges in life and I do not want to belittle your own challenges. I am sure we are trained to be strong. We have gone through a lot of adjustments in our lives. I remember how my son had to stay alone at home long hours and we left him with the internet and television as a substitute of our absence (both of us were doing PhD). May Allah understands and guide us to do what is best.

I meant these words when I wrote at the beginning of my thesis:

“I want to express my deepest gratitude to my husband, Mohd Radzi and my lovely children, Rozie, Liyana and Amir for being there for me. I have been too busy to be a perfect wife or a perfect mother but their supports and understanding made all the imperfections seem negligible”.

To Amir, I am deeply sorry for the long lost hours and I hope in the future, I would be able to compensate for that.

One respect in which that I feel I am so lucky, is to have friends all around me in Swansea. The University Mosque community, especially, is very supportive and I am truly grateful to Allah that through these friends, I find comfort and love. We share so many little things but when you look back, these little things are the invaluable memories that we cherish all through our lives.

I know if I do not broadcast this, it will spread anyway. So I want to break the tradition by announcing this myself:

Yesterday, 1^st October, 2008 (supposed to be Eid day), at 9.15am I started my viva and Alhamdulillah, I am happy here to announce that I have been successful, except for minor corrections. However, this is not the main issue here, but I want to share some pointers so that, perhaps, those of you who are still striving will find them helpful.

Specifically for viva:

1. It is good to tell your good friends when you are having a viva. Ask them to make dua for you so that Allah will help ease the process. A lot of sincere dua from good friends might help ease the process. I told all my friends at the mosque that I was having viva and asked them to make dua for me.

2. Be relaxed. Many of these examiners are very kind at heart. They have read your thesis. Their job is to determine whether or not you did it yourself and you know it well. So just be involved in the conversation and use the time to talk so that they won’t have time to ask more questions.

3. I have a bottle of zam zam water with me in the viva room. This zam zam water was given by an Egyptian friend. It helps me to relax and to think clearly, Alhamdulillah. When I drank the water, I asked Allah to help strengthen my memory so that I could recall what I had done and gone through. Also ask for ease of speech. While examiners are talking, you can drink and make dua in your heart. Also, you might not have time to have breakfast before going for viva at 9.00 am. Zam zam water is known to satisfy hunger.

4. Make solatul hajat prior to the viva and ask those who are close to you to do it too. Duas from our mothers are the best. May Allah bless them and reward them enormously. (So remember to call your mother in Malaysia soon as you finish the viva. She has the right to know it first hand before anyone else).

5. Keep a good opinion of Allah that He will grant you success. Be positive with it as soon as you enter the room. It is ok if you are not too prepared with the literature review because your nervousness might block your mental process.

6. My family in Malaysia recited Surah Yaseen while I was in the viva room. I don’t know if this is sunnah but any ayat from the Quran is beneficial. I heard that reading Yaseen in the morning helps ease the day so I read Yaseen before I went for my viva.

7. Preparation for the viva should start from when you first embark on your PhD. You need English as a tool to communicate your answers well. It is important that while doing PhD, try to speak and write as much English as possible. Try making as many international friends as possible and engage yourself in conversation although you feel it is mentally tiring. This is a good exercise to engage in conversation with your examiners during the viva. It is not good to give “Yes” or “No” answers only.

8. During the viva, if the examiner points out a major mistake that you think is not a mistake, defend yourself. Some examiners (the brutal ones) like to challenge your work as well as your thoughts. So be ready to answer them and DO NOT say SORRY. (My supervisor pointed this out before the viva because he said there is a tendency for Malaysian students to agree with the examiners without trying to defend themselves).

9. This might not be too related to viva, but it is good to use Latex for thesis writing. It helps to do correction faster and easier than using Words. All figures and tables even references will be sorted out automatically. If you have any question on Latex, I might be able to help. I am not an expert, but I do get help from my lab mates. I found using Latex on macbook was especially useful.

These are some of the main points of my own experience. Other people went through different experiences. Either way, the most important is that you get your PhD.

I know you all might be wondering why I am writing all these. But all through this process, I waited for someone to give me some hints of what they have gone through. Although we might be very confident in our work, anything can happen within those 4 walls. Isn’t it nice to be extra prepared? And all the supplications and recitations are to relate all your effort back to Allah. We make an effort but indeed, He is the One who decides.

My PhD is almost over now. The voyage is coming to an end. I am glad I have been able to embark on this journey and I have learnt so much. I have found MYSELF in this process – able to know more of my weakness and my strengths. I also hope that we will all be supporting each other in our effort to seek knowledge and self improvement. And the most important thing is to have a correct intention for the PhD. If your deeds are for Allah, you will be given a great reward.

Truly, like I said, it has been a great experience. Just be patient while you are in the process. Only those who are patient shall receive their reward in full without reckoning(39:10). Enjoy the moments when you are benefiting from this painful process. Perhaps with patience and open mindedness, we would all be able to not to only seek new lands but also to see with new eyes.

Best wishes to all. May Allah help us to be successful and humble at the same time.

Jazakallahukhair.

Viva is around the corner

Life is interesting. You sometimes will come to a critical point in your life that you will think like .. that's it!!! If i can go through this, a magic door will open for me! A whole new world will begin. That is how I think of my viva. Many people who do PhD would think the same, I guess. We, the PhD students will always say something like.. oo, I'll do this after PhD. It is like your whole life is on hold, just sitting there in idle waiting for the PhD to end. And my viva is coming!! I don't know what to feel. I woke up in the middle of the nights thinking about it. Sometimes, I just can't go over my thesis anymore... 4 years is too long already. Imagine people do PhD in Germany for 7 years.

Once this PhD is over, I have alot of stories to tell. Hope I can compile them in a book - the twists and turns of a PhD student's life. Wouldn't it be great!!! May Allah help us all in our journey towards success in this world and the hereafter.

Finishing Line... Ready Set Go..... FINISH!!!!

I started my PhD in 2004 when i thought it was time to upgrade myself. I had an idea how bad PhD life could be but now, looking back at those years of struggling with my PhD, it believe those days were one of the best days of my life. Of course there were ups and downs but they surely have taught me lots of things and giving me more time to get connected to many different elements of life.

I have been given few dates for my coming viva... the most important and crucial point of any PhD student's life. Mine would be around this coming Eid. May Allah make easy whatever is good for us. Once I have passed this viva, I wish to do so many different things - people always say this. They will put something as a condition to do something else. But really... there are many things one can do in life.

I have notice that in Malaysia, charity work is still a stranger to many. Hopefully I can start doing it and invite others especially my students. I want them to be graduates who are connected to their society, who can help build society and be kind to others who need help.

Another thing that we all should do is DAKWAH - spreading Islam or educating the non-muslims. Insya'Allah.. I plan to do this and get the students active in doing it too, insya'Allah. Got to go now.. Wasalam.

ARE WE AT HOME???

We are now in Malaysia..after living in UK for 4 years. I love swansea. Although PhD life is full of twists and turns, life was good there. We have many good friends even the imam of the mosque is our close friend. Before we left, they threw a party for me..sister Hala from Egypt was the one who organised it. She is very good at organising any events. Other sisters was there too.. we had been together for so long and now we feel very close. I love these sisters.. regardless where they are from, we share many beautiful moments together. The university mosque has been a meeting place for good people..alhamdulillah. Allah has been very kind to send us good friends that we cherished all our lives. I know I am going to miss the mosque and the mosque community terribly.

Sheikh Mohsen - our imam from Egypt. He is a hafeez, knowledgeable and always willing to help. I have followed most of his classes since he came. He taught us tajweed, arabic, hadith.. and answers almost anything we want to know. We were so lucky to have an imam who is very approachable, kind and at the same time, has sense of humour. Adam - a nigerian student doing Masters - is a very hardworking person. He never complains when he cleans the mosque after any events. The most important is that he does it with sincerity. Always smile and kind to everyone. I believe the mosque is blessed to have him. Fatma - my newly founded friend who is very keen in learning the tajweed. We spend many hours reading and discussing the tajweed together. I miss those good moments together. We also have sister Mahfuza and so many other sisters who are dear to my heart - we share beautiful time together at the mosque. If not in this dunia, we make doa that Allah will gather us again in Jannah, ameen. Perhaps there, we can sit under the shade of a tree and talk old times together ..


I miss Swansea University mosque. This has been home to me for 4 years. When i stayed in Swansea, we (the family) moved to different houses trying to find comfort in many ways but the mosque is always there - for me to feel close to Allah and to learn more about the religion. Like I said, Allah reveals knowledge in different levels and the mosque was where I found myself discovering new things and in teaching myself to have trust in Him. Sometimes we thought we have the trust but we might not. If we have trust in Allah, there will be no fear and no grief. We are all striving our best but we might not have strive hard enough. Lets make dua that Allah will help us in keeping us in Iman and continuously receiving guidance from Him.

The night before leaving Swansea, we hugged each other (the sisters) and hope to see each other again when I come back for my viva in October, insya'Allah.
I miss them now.. I love the environment where I found friendship, peace and serenity in my heart. That is the place where I found greater light.. the lights Allah send through people around me - Sheikh Dr. Abdullah Yassin (our sudanese sheikh), Brother Assim, Brother Arjan and other people too. May Allah reward them tremendously and help them in their effort to help revive Islam in the muslim hearts. Hopefully there are many others like them.


Now we are here, in Malaysia. It is not that we are not happy to be home but we are still adapting to the new life. My son, Amir is going through many different experiences. I guess it is quite an emotional procesa at the same time. The night when we arrived at our house, he said to me "We did not get home, we left home". My heart cried listiening to his words - the words came from him. How true! I felt the same but I can't say that to him! I have to give him confidence that this is home or perhaps, sooner or later, we will feel at home. A few days later, he started to enjoy playing with his cousins so things were not so bad. But he then said, "I can't believe I said this but I missed school". He said that it is like you have lots and lots of money and suddenly you got bankcrupt. That was how he described his new life.. losing his friends and back to having no friends. This was when he had not started his schooling.

After a few days, we got news that he was accepted by his old school. We sent him to his class and we could see gleaming faces when they saw Amir. All his friends remember him and was so excited about having this UK boy in their class again. So now, Amir is quite happy. We were so pleased that now, he enjoys school. In fact, on the second day, he asked us to send him to the night class when he wore his dad's shirt to look cool. Indeed, he looked cool. He likes to maintain his coolness. Last night, we sent him to the barber and he got a cool haircut. He got admirers in the class!!! He told us that yesterday, after he read a passage, the children clapped their hands. I admit that his english is very impressive, especially pronounciation. Well, I am just glad that he enjoys school now!!

In life, we will undergo many different changes and in general, no one likes changes. People are scared of changes because there are too many uncertainties. But I believe as long as we have trust that Allah will decree what is good for us, we should never fear nor grief. What is planned for us will happen and it is up to us to either be grateful or to complain all the time. To be grateful is the best blessing one can have. May Allah include us among those who are successful - in this life and in the hereafter. May Allah continuously guide us with His light wherever we are. AMEEN.

DREAM

Dream is a very interesting subject. Some people talk about things they cannot do but wish to achieve as DREAM. But i like the topic of real dream. They said dream is 1/46 of prophethood. It is just to say that it is special. Allah has different ways of conveying His message to us and one of them is through dreams. And when people has many good dreams, it can be a good sign from Allah.. perhaps Allah wants you to pay attention to some important things in your life that needs some focusing.. but don't be confident that when you have good dreams, it is a guarantee that you will enter paradise.. everyone has to strive hard. Even Firaun dreamt that his kingdom will destroy (which became true). However, it is said that to be able to have good dreams, you need to be highly spiritual.. means you need a connection with Allah. I am not a master of dreams but i really love to have good dreams. I know someone who can interpret dreams... and i have heard stories about dreams that i would like to share.

One time this person had a dream. She dreamt that one day, the world suddenly turned dark. It was very dark that everyone was so silent and stand still .. waiting for something awful to happen. She was so scared but after a few minutes, the world turned bright again. She then went to someone - this person is a righteous person, who knows the religion well. They talked about the phenomena and this persons said that, during Rasullullah's time, when it happened, he would go inside and search for somewhere with light.. he would not stay in the dark. He would stay in the light until it turns bright again. After the dream, she woke up and felt very scared. Is it a good dream or a bad dream.. but because there is this righteous man who talked about rasulullah s.a.w., she believes it must be a good dream. It might be a warn or something. So she asked her sheikh who is very good at interpreting dreams.

Her sheikh said that you have lights inside of you. Use that light and don't rely on the light outside because it can dark outside. Things can be confusing out there.. use the light from your heart to guide you. She got a very short interpretation of the dream because her sheikh is a busy man.. she doesn't want to burden him with her unimportant agenda.. So when she thought about the matter, the interpretation is right.. going inside and search for the light.. is going into your heart and ask your heart to guide you.. that is if you have a strong IMAN and well guided. Alhamdulillah.. she was happy with the interpretation.

Then 2/3 days after that, she was staying up late and she thought she wanted to listen to the talk of Sheikh Anwar Al-Awlaki, a famous scholar who's talks are numerous on the internet... so she listened to the talk on the signs of the day of judgement. Suddenly when it reach to the part about the time when there was a great fitnah.... she was just like listening to the interpretation of her dream again. This time, the same word was said by Anwar Al-awlaki. He said, there will be time when the fitnah will be great and you will have to be prepared. Your heart must be strong and filled with IMAN. At that time, you cannot rely on the outside. You need the light from your heart to guide you. It means you have to ask your heart of a fatwa. The fitnah will be so great that your resource has to be your own heart. That is why you need to learn about Islam now so that when the time come, you would be ready for that.

Listening to the talk, she was speechless. This is exactly what she dreamt about. The exact word.. the exact interpretation... Subhanallah! Look at how Allah wants to emphasize things to us.. we dream and we repeatedly hear the same thing over and over again from different people so that the main point is emphasized. Allah is great. Can you imagine how she must have felt? Isn't great??

I've known people who had ayatul quran in their dreams.. they saw the ayat on a wall or something.. one time, a person saw the 1,000 dinar ayah in her dream. She saw it decorated beautifully on a hill. It meant that she has the trust in Allah now... isn't it lovely to see ayatul Quran in your dream?

There's so many things i would like to talk about when it comes to dream. Many of us have dreams but we simple ignore them because we don't know what it means and we don't know who can relate the dreams to us..

I've heard that to know whether or not you have a good dream, when you wake up, you remember the dream and you know it is good... but if you have a bad dream, simple forget about it and don't tell anyone. Spit to the left and seek refuge with Allah from the devil.

Perhaps i can write more.. but my mind is too tired now. Just came back from an interfaith gathering in the taliesin building. Ok.. pen off for now. Wasalam.

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE 1930's 40's 50's and 60's

First, we survived being born to mothers who had no full time maids/cooked food/cleaned the house while they carried us.
They took aspirin, ate cheese, sweet dishes and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a local bus/train was a special treat.
We drank water from the tap and NOT from a bottle.
We would spend hours on the terrace under bright sunlight flying our kites, without worrying about the UV effect which never ever effect us.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We ate pastries, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours repairing our out dated bicycle and scooter out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.
After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms........!
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
We were never given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, we made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!
Cricket League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned

HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

And YOU are one of them!

CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good. And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

PS -The big type is because your eyes are shot at your age

The decree of Allah

I was in my harfiah class..a combination or tafseer and arabic actually...when one of the students asked our Sheikh about the decree..Somehow the subject of decree is a bit complicated. But if you have trust in Allah, it is not that difficult to understand. People become confuse when it is said that the decree of every each one of us is already written and we are only realizing them now following the time line. But Allah, as the creator of the worlds, is not subjected to His creation that is TIME. Time is also Allah's creation. Allah, the All-Mighty created these whole universe and anything in the heaven and the earth. The fact that He created everything with His might and power and everything is subjected to Him, how can He not know what we are going to do or react to anything that happens to us?

Whatever we do is all decreed by Him. Good or bad is already written. Of course, we still have to strive for our future... Allah knows what we are going to do - whether or not we are going to be lazy or we are going to put our best effort. Allah is JUST and we should believe that with all our hearts and never to doubt. Allah is what you think of Him!

So the Sheikh gave an analogy which i think simplifies the whole matter. He said.. let say in his own house when he deals with his own children. One day, he just want to test his own daughter and took away her toy. Hide the toy somewhere and messed up her room. Knowing her own daughter, he knows that when she gets back from school, she will be furious. She will yell and then said "Where is my toy?" Then she will not be calm until she gets the toy and then she will check her room and become more furious. She will do this and that.. and this was what he told his wife. When their daughter came back, she did exactly what Sheikh has predicted... every step was exactly as what Sheikh told his wife. How can this happened?


Can you see the analogy? We are only talking about relationship between family members that we know. What about our own Creator who creates us from nothing and He fashioned us into who we are now? Don't you think He would not have known exactly what we are going to do? Don't you think he doesn't have any idea at all? Things are easy for Him. Look at the whole universe.. listen to the report of the Hubble telescope that tracks the far away universe. The universe that ALlah has created is so much bigger than what the Hubble can reach. Allah's creation is beyond our own comprehension. Look at the sky, look at the sea.. the deap sea where it is dark that no light can ever reach. Look at the insects and their kingdom. How GReat is Allah - we are so tiny as compared to His creations. We have to have faith that the decree is JUST and we should never questioned about it. Relate ourselves to ALLAH well and you will never feel left out. Listen to our hearts and let the lights come in. Sometimes it is good to isolate ourselves.. sit there under the sky, look around and contemplate - relate to Him. Reflect! Can you not see how kind He has been to us? The subject of DECREE is not that difficult once we have that TRUST. It is something we should never questioned! Wallahu'alam.

The world is a big classroom

Allah bless us with beautiful places in the world for us to travel and read the signs of His existence. If you ever get the chance to travel the world, grab it. Opportunities do not come twice.. so they say! I always love to travel and Allah has been kind to us.. we had many opportunities... I had taken my children off school for 2-3 months for many times just to experience living somewhere else when we had the chance. Some people would say.. what a shame! these kids had to miss school. But we have to remember that this world is a big classroom. All of us can be teacher and student at one point or another. So why not learn from this big classroom and let them explore... life is more than that going back and forth to school carrying those heavy bags. Kids can learn so much from many different experiences. It won't do them harm at all if we take them off school once in a while.

This world indeed is a classroom for all of us. We have to be aware and always try to understand from every each occasion of our lives and people around us teaches us a lot of things too. There are many different kinds of people. And one thing i realize from traveling is that.. the more you travel, the more friends you would miss and places that you long to go back. Allah put into our hearts the love of those whom we had never know before and bond us together through His grace and mercy. We don't have to have the same religion but our hearts can have that special bond like Anne Shirley called it as "Kindred Spirit".

I remembered a dear sister from France.. she is an Algerian French girl from outskirt Paris. We met in San Francisco when we stayed at a hotel in the heart of the city. One day, we went shopping and i noticed she liked a purse but put it back. I bought for her the purse. I give her the purse later that day as a present and she just looked at me, almost in tears and we hugged. We became sisters ever since. When we departed, it was the hardest moment - I remembered waving for her from the bus, she was all tears... she promised to go to Malaysia and she did... We spent Eid together that year. She actually did her practical training there for 4 months. Alhamdulillah...with only a cheap purse, Allah put into our hearts love for each other. Allah is kind and to understand Allah's kindness, we have to be kind to people. Like they said, what goes around, comes around... In the quran, it says .. (meaning) when you do good, you do good to yourself and when you do evil, you do evil against your own self.

This is something that we really need to understand. When we do good things to others, we are actually doing good to ourselves. We have to relate everything that happen around us and relate that to our own self. Nothing in this world happen as a coincidence. Never! Even the drop of a leaf from the tree is by the decree of Allah, the Exalted, Most High. It is Allah that has all the detailed plans and whenever anything happens, we have to take lesson from it. This is the classroom that i am talking about.. whatever you do.. relate back.. contemplate.. reflect. Insya'Allah, ALlah will give wisdom to those who want to understand.

Travelling teaches us a lot of things. Not only it enables us to witness Allah's greatness but more than that! You can look at it from many different perspectives. They said.. if you want to know someone, travel with them for 3 days.. then you can see his true character. Traveling usually needs lots of patience.. it is not that glossy smile and say cheese to the camera all the time.. yes, in the photos, you can smile but only the travelers know the story behind it.. the joy and the pain... It is funny when we heard about two families that went traveling together and when they came back, they no longer talk to one another... I am grateful i have Siti to travel with. It is not easy to find kindred spirits - but as long as we are willing to open up our hearts to accept love, insya'Allah, Allah will put plenty more! Look around us and see how many friends we have and what they have to say about us.. They are the signs for you to reflect. If they say good things about you.. alhamdulillah! If they say something bad, we might need to ponder deeper inside ourselves.. what have we done wrong.. what we need to improve? We can never be perfect like the prophet, Muhammad p.b.u.h. But these friends are like mirrors to us.. you look at them and you can see your ownselves - if we look hard enough!

May Allah open up our hearts to seek for true love which only Allah can provides. A true love is like magic.. it stays like glue and cannot come off. Seeking for Allah is actually seeking for that true love. And to love Allah is to seek for His pleasure.. to please him at all time and to fear Allah is to avoid displeasing Him because of that true love. Once that true love is there, nothing else matters ..

May Allah bestow on us that true love for Him and longing for Him in our hearts! Life is just a journey manifested in many different forms and we are like actors performing many different roles... Before that curtain is dropped, we need to review our performances.. has our performance made a difference to our audience or at least touches their hearts? If only we can have the best script, the best role, the best skill, the best costume .. it might make a difference!! Allah knows best. Wallahu'alam.

My Lab

When i first came to Swansea, our lab was at the Technium building. It is a very modern shaped building.. That unusual shape building below is the Technium. i love the place because after 3 months of stay, i got the best spot in the lab. I sat at a corner over looking the Fulton house - center of most activities on campus! If you look closely at the Technium photo, my place was just beside that partition at the far left of the picture (near the stairs there)... And even when i had to stay very late, i know that the porters were there and it was quite safe... it was quite a secured room and Siti sat next to my desk. We were good friends - we shared many little things and laughters. We would giggled, talked about the States, sometimes about our childhood - u name it... we love to share things probably because we don't have anyone else there... and we were like kindred spirits too! We both went to the States for our first degree.. and although our experiences there were so much different.. there were many similar things that we shared. Doing PhD is at times quite stressful. So it is good to have someone to talk to. We don't just talk together.. we travelled together too. She is good at managing things and myself... i don't know what i am good at but we made a very good team when it comes to traveling. It all started with a discounted ticket to Budapest for £10 return ticket. Then we were just on the roll... we travelled every month for 6 months not counting the local UK trips. Our family members were close too.. my son and her son were very close at school. So we went together to Budapest,Italy (Venice, Pisa, Rome), Stockholm, Burg (Belgium) and Holland. Every time we travel, the kids enjoyed so much... in-between the travels - during the breaks, the kids would ask, when are we going on holiday again? We travel most of the budget airlines.. Ryan Air, easy jet, thomsonfly.. u name it! And we, most of the time, would take with us, rice cake and some gravy/rendang. It is easy when you travel during the winter .. the rice cake stayed good for 3-4 days. Well, we don't travel for longer period... usually only across the weekends! These are one of those things about living in UK.. it is like living at the heart of the European countries where you can fly to east, west, south, or north whenever you want to ... provided you have money and time. Well! We usually do not spend much.. always try to find the best deal to get to somewhere interesting..

(Back to my story)
We move to another building later - fourth floor Faraday building. The travelling started from when we were at Technium until we move to Faraday building. And after sometime, Siti went home. She graduated and i still have a long way to go. There are many others in the lab.. they are nice students, young and friendly. I thought that's it... i have no more best friend now. Then after sometime, Allah send me a good friend - Liam. Amazingly, my son's best friend is also Liam. After knowing him for sometime, i get to know that he is one of the best student in the department. He is very smart and likes to solve matters at hand. If i asked him anything or a problem, he will investigate until he knows the answer to it. When i did my experiment, he scored all correct... he said he likes to make sure he tried his best. He is young.. considering his age, he can be my son... He is very helpful and helps me a lot in many of my tasks. When he comes in the morning, he will come to my desk and give his report of his yesterday's activity or anything at all.. We don't actually have common interest, but we get along very well. One time when these students have an evening at the pub, he invited me to go with them.. Funny... i guess many of them still do not understand our point of view about this matter - so i told him! I tried to be very frank with him most of the time.. i tried to tell him about Islam whenever i can because it is our responsibility to inform them.. so many around us has misinterpretation of Islam... Some of the non-muslim who reverted to islam sometimes asked why they were not informed before! So we have to play our role to inform them..

Anyway, I understand so much now... when you ask Allah for help, he will send his help through people around you and make them kind and helpful. This is Allah's mercy and He knows what is in our hearts and what we need more than we know what we need ourselves. So i make dua that Allah will continue to help me in this journey. Without His help, who am i? All praise be to Him, Lord of the worlds.

WHEN YOU THOUGHT I WASN’T LOOKING ..

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator,
and I immediately wanted to paint another one.
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you feed a stray cat,
and I learned that it was good to be kind to animals.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make my favourite cake for me
and I learned that the little things can be the special things in life.
When you thought I wasn't looking I heard you say a prayer,
and I knew there is a God I could always talk to and I learned to trust in Allah.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick,
and I learned that we all have to help take care of each other.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you give of your time and money to help people who had nothing
and I learned that those who have something should give to those who don't.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I felt you kiss me good night and I felt loved and safe.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you take care of our house and everyone in it
and I learned we have to take care of what we are given.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw how you handled your responsibilities,
even when you didn't feel good and I learned that I would have to be responsible when I grow up.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw tears come from your eyes and I learned that sometimes things hurt,
but it's all right to cry.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw that you cared and I wanted to be everything that I could be.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I learned most of life's lessons that
I need to know to be a good and productive person when I grow up.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I looked at you and wanted to say,
"Thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn't looking.'"

Al-Ghazali Again?

Yes.. i am still not finished with this topic. I am so amazed with this man. I will never compare him with the prophet Muhammad s.a.w. - to compare Rasulullah s.a.w. with others isn't right.. Rasulullah (the prophet pbuh) is a mercy for mankind. His whole life touched us in every sense. Rasulullah was a very exceptional man.. in our hearts, he stays! But it doesn't mean that we cannot admire other people too... I am just amazed on Imam Al-Ghazali of his vast knowledge and how much he strove to achieve excellence in his field.. or perhaps i should say fields, he mastered all fields! Sheikh Abdullah Yassin said that it is true when Sheikh Hamza Yusuf said we don't actually know Imam Al-Ghazali.. he would not write until he memorized 12,000 pages of text. Hang on a minute!!! Do you really mean 12,000 pages? Can you do that? i don't know if i cover 12,000 pages in a month or even a year? And i am a PhD student here! What have we here? Don't you all see? How great this man was? How serious he took life - dead serious. And we? What do we do? Sheikh Abdullah Yassin said that we are only like nursery kids or perhaps a very young child in terms of knowledge. And many of us criticize scholars like we know what we are talking about. Who are we to judge people. These are people who were sincere in their lives.. seeking for Allah. Al-Ghazali had gone through all experiments of life.. he tested every each one in order to seek for the truth. Indeed, he was a real life scientist or what they called him as THE PROOF OF ISLAM. When he spoke, no one dare to deny because he could win any debate. Yes.. some people ridicule him.. but they are really ridiculing themselves. These are the blessings of Allah. Allah bestow upon some people specialties others do not possess. Instead of condemning others, why don't we try to follow their footsteps. Perhaps one day, Allah will grant us wisdom. Let's make dua Allah will accept us as His righteous servants too, grant us knowledge that is useful for us and use us for His deen and gather us with those fortunate ones who had gone earlier than us who had proven to be the successful ones -the prophets, the companions, the tabi'in, the scholars... Our lives.. we don't know when they are going to end but as long as we are still here, let's make the most of it. Relive Islam and spread the truth.
OO Allah, how much you have blessed those people who had lived before us - You gave them the blessings of your knowledge and make them wiser than many of us. Help us too, O You Most Kind Most Merciful. Please help us in our everyday lives and ease our path to the truth and please do not let us astray. Please help us to keep You and Rasul Allah s.a.w. in our hearts. For we depend on You on all matters, O You All Merciful All Wise.

O Allah! You embrace all things within Your Grace and Knowledge, forgive those who repent and follow Your path, and ward off from them the punishment of Hell. (40:7)

O Allah! Perfect our light for us and forgive us our sins, for verily You have power over all things. (66:8)

My beloved friends, remind ourselves of this glad tiding for it will be ours, with His mercy, insy'Allah:


This is the paradise which you have been made to inherit because of your deeds which you used to do (in the life of the world). Al-Zukhruf:72

Wallahu'alam!

Imam Al Ghazali Last Poem

This is his edited last poem. I got it from the internet too but just want to share with those who has not read it. This such lovely poem can really touches someone's heart. When you read it again and again, you can see layers and layers of its meaning to teach you what life really is and what death means. Death is not something that needs to be frightened.. but it is simply a start of another life! Come on my friends. We really have to take life seriously and sharpened our hearts and let that internal soul be heard. It might be crying for help! So this is the poem.. read it carefully with all your hearts.

"Say to my friends, when they look upon me, dead
Weeping for me and mourning me in sorrow
Do not believe that this corpse you see is myself
In the name of God, I tell you, it is not I,
I am a spirit, and this is naught but flesh
It was my abode and my garment for a time.
I am a treasure, by a talisman kept hid,
Fashioned of dust, which served me as a shrine,
I am a pearl, which has left it's shell deserted,
I am a bird, and this body was my cage
Whence I have now flown forth and it is left as a token
Praise to God, who hath now set me free
And prepared for me my place in the highest of the heaven,

Until today I was dead, though alive in your midst.
Now I live in truth, with the grave - clothes discarded.
Today I hold converse with the saints above,
With no veil between, I see God face to face.
I look upon "Loh-i-Mahfuz" and there in I read
Whatever was and is and all that is to be.
Let my house fall in ruins, lay my cage in the ground,
Cast away the talisman, it is a token, no more
Lay aside my cloak, it was but my outer garment.
Place them all in the grave, let them be forgotten,
I have passed on my way and you are left behind
Your place of abode was no dwelling place for me.

Think not that death is death, nay, it is life,
A life that surpasses all we could dream of here,
While in this world, here we are granted sleep,
Death is but sleep, sleep that shall be prolonged
Be not frightened when death draweth night,
It is but the departure for this blessed home
Think of the mercy and love of your Lord,
Give thanks for His Grace and come without fear.
What I am now, even so shall you be
For I know that you are even as I am

The souls of all men come forth from God
The bodies of all are compounded alike
Good and evil, alike it was ours
I give you now a message of good cheer
May God's peace and joy for evermore be yours."

AL-GHAZALI

Swansea

The picture was taken at Marina, Swansea. Swansea is such a lovely city.

A reminder for myself really!

It is Allah to choose whom He wants to receive guidance. We, the born muslim take things for granted everytime. More often than not, we see the new muslims are more committed than us. We only depend on the scholars to feed us knowledge but we ourselves do not bother to travel to seek knowledge. We thought our obligation is to seek excellence in our academic matters and we somehow neglect our obligations to deepen our knowledge in Islam. It is interesting when I listen to one of those talks when the speaker narrates the story of a companion when he narrated his dream to prophet Muhammad S.A.W. (It was a habit of Rasullullah s.a.w. that after Fajar prayer, he will gather with his companions and asked if any of them had seem dreams.) On one occasion, a companion told prophet Muhammad s.a.w. that in his dream, he saw a straight path and on each side of the path, there are beautiful gardens with streams and trees with fruits .. Then came along a group of people who rode through the path with their heads looking straight ahead and did not bother to look on each side of the road. They just rode along, heading to their destination. Then came along another group of people. They rode along and when they saw gardens with trees and streams, they stopped. They take a rest and give some water to their horses and camels and enjoy some fruits. After resting awhile, they took their horses, pack and continue their journey. Then came along another group of people. They saw the garden and all the pleasure in it. They stopped and walked into the garden and never continue their journey. They enjoy the place and never bother to continue their journey.

There are many different parts of the dream but the sheikh concentrated on this part of the dream because of its significance. Prophet Muhammad s.a.w. then interpreted the dream. This is just my explanation to his interpretation and i am not quoting on his words.. this merely comes only from my understanding. He explained that the gardens are the DUNIA and all the pleasure in it. And the path is the Sirratul Mustaqim. We are on our journey to our final destination. The first group of people are his own companions during the time of prophet Muhammad s.a.w. who never answer to the calls of the dunia. They were very focus on the deen. The dunia is not important to them. Their aim is the hereafter, so they steadfast to the straight path and never look around. They are the perfect generation of the ummah. Then the next group was the tabi'in - the generation after the sahabah. They took some pleasure of the world but was not deceived. They did not forget their purpose of life despite taking some of the pleasures. And the last group was the last generation of the ummah when we are so busy with our lives and forgot that the final destination is not here but the hereafter. The word DUNIA itself in arabic means something filthy but it seems very appealing to us. We easily get deceived by the pleasures and comfort of DUNIA which is only tiny compared to the promised pleasure of the paradise.

It was said that after that narration, prophet Muhammad s.a.w. did not ask again from his companions regarding their dreams. It was as if he was waiting for that particular dream all along. We really have to ask ourselves are we in this category of people who seek only for the pleasure of this world. We need to reflect. It is said that one scholar said that we need to have at least 1 hour a day just to reflect on the deeds for the day... and ask Allah for forgiveness. Subhanallah.. we really have to be serious on this. Life is not a joke. Time is running out, my friends. Just like Imam Al-Ghazali, we need to have that spiritual journey of our lives so that we know who our Creator is in order to make our life meaningful. We need to know the attributes of Allah ... Life is short! Get to know our Quran because if you want Allah to talk to you, read the Quran. If you want to talk to Allah, pray! Insya'Allah, i'll continue next time.. Jazakumullah khaer!

Al-Ghazali The Al-Chemist of Happiness

I have been on this film for quite sometime now. I mean, i first found it on the internet and longing to watch it after doing some research about the great imam, Al-Ghazali. His last poem touched my heart and my son's too. We watched it one night at very late hour and i said to myself, Subhanallah! Allah had given wisdom to this man that not many has. His way of looking at life and death should help us to perceive them differently. Do we long to meet Allah, the Creator of the heavens and the earth? Perhaps we do but we have not prepared enough.

So i really wanted to watch this film and persuade the ISOC (Islamic Society) to film this .. we discussed and decided to show it at the cinema. It was a long ordeal.. trying to cover the cost but alhamdulillah.. we were successful. Insya'Allah, whatever we got left will go to our dakwah work during our next Islamic Awareness week. We are having it in Mac, insya'Allah.

Al-Ghazali the alchemist of happiness is indeed very interesting and different. It’s not the sort of film you see everyday. I won’t say that it is perfect but I would say that it challenged your thoughts spiritually that you felt hurt trying to dig your inner thoughts and question your spiritual being. It initiated a lot of inner discussion that you need time to ponder the issue and contemplate. As the movie transient frequently from the commentary and his life itself, it helped to directly comprehend the transition that the imam went through as to provide us with information for higher level of intellectual debate, not externally but internally.

It is interesting that what you have here is the state which I described as quite dichotomous. I would say one will enjoy it or just be bored. As someone mentioned it to me after the show, if you have engaged yourself with this sort of spiritual state, you will see thing clearly now but if you are not yet there, it helps you to know which direction or the sort of path you would want to take. But if you have never given any such thoughts, it might initiate or spark some interest. Or on the other hand, you might walk out feeling bored and at least perhaps enjoy the scenery and music and the diversity of colours and culture presented that was truly unique and exotic.

The impact of the story was interesting. When we came out, there were many discussions among us. Sheikh Abdullah Yassin from Cardiff said, one can be at one point, and then turn 360 degrees to search for the truth and back to the same point again. This seems to others as pointless but it is truly an amazing experience after you realized why you should be at that particular point. It was what Imam Al-ghazali went through. He constantly quest for the truth and questioned an issue as deep as he could go into it. But of course, for someone of his intelligence and integrity, his quest enabled him to go to much higher level than many of us can even imagine.

A non-muslim lady bought 2 tickets from us. She came with a bus just to get the tickets few days before the show. Bought two but came alone. Anyway, after the show, I asked her if she enjoyed the film. She told me she cried. She was touched by it all through. Isn’t it amazing? If we can show this to 100 people, even if we can touch one single heart, it is all worth it. And she asked if she could buy the DVD too!

One would wonder what sort of life it was… seemed so serious and no enjoyment. As Sheikh Hamza Yusuf described it… it was “absolute seriousness”. This is the message of the whole story, that life is just a delusion, as your senses deceive you all the time, so are the calls of life. And if we do not search for that ultimate goal, we will fill that hollow space with some other substitutes as human is a hollow being. When one fills oneself with the quest of that ultimate goal, that is when alchemist of happiness comes into existence. To worship god is a lower level or submission but when one reaches to the higher level of worship that is having the knowledge of the Creator, his perspective of life and death will never be the same.

I am not a philosophical person. So who am I to comment further. But alhamdulillah, the message was quite clear to many. That life is temporary (a wayfare) and time is running out. Unless we travel and embark on that spiritual journey, we may never find what we are looking for – The Absolute Happiness, insya’Allah.

I hope i am able to spark some interest here.. I really encourage others to try to screen the film at your local cinema. May Allah reward your effort and sincerity. We have to remember that Allah is All-merciful. If we walk towards Him, He will run towards us. Let us all help each other in strengthening our iman and love each other for His sake.

Daily life

Thinking about daily life... it seems so incredible being here. I enjoy every bit of it. I thank Allah for all the grace and blessings. How much things has changed. I remember the time when it was so difficult for me to teach my son english so that he can have this tool that i believe would be useful for his future. It was simply difficult, .. the environment was not supportive enough.. he can understand all right and can construct simple sentences. When we moved to UK, it seems too natural for him. Being Amir, he was not uncomfortable at all.. he'll just play with the neighbors comfortably. After one or two months, he has got it... but still he is struggling at school.. so did his teacher said. She said he cannot spell words right. But I won't blame him. Spelling is never too easy for kids. They need time. Time past and now, we are have  been here for almost 4 years. He is in year 7... big boy now! Bishop Gore school.. nothing glamourous about it but being in high school, many things has changed. 

For one thing, i realize that his english is exceptionally better. So much better that i am amazed. He now likes to correct whenever i did any mistake .. grammar, pronunciation especially. But for many other malays kids all over UK, these are the advantages they got being here. And as parents, we should learn from them. It is difficult to admit your mistakes from your own kids but this is life... One day, i told my son that it is enough. He doesn't have to correct me every time but then he said, "But ma, you told me to correct you, remember?." So I accepted my mistakes and listen to him..  But that doesn't mean i lose control. No, we as parents will never lose control with our kids.. they are our children and we have power over them. But that doesn't mean that we are right all the time.. so we do listen and in fact, we have to listen to their worries, their fears, their discomfort and try to understand them.

Today, i received a guest at my house. She was crying.. having problem at home. I do have many friends around here... and some are very close to me too. I like having friends from different nationalities.. well, most of them are born here but they consider themselves as mauritaus, Bangoli, Pakistani... whatever.. in the most important thing is that we are all from planet Earth.  Back to my story, she has problem at home with her parents. Her parents are very strict and as a teenager in UK, it is difficult to fit in and at the same time, adhere to the old culture. Yes, their parents were brought up that way and as parents, we can be too protective at times not thinking that we are actually making them think that they cannot be trusted. There should be a give and take here.. as children, they need to meet friends, socialize in islamic ways. We brought them up and tell them the islamic values and so, we should be able to trust them in some extent. But what should i tell her?? Her parents were wrong?? No - parents are just parents. I can't tell her that her parents were wrong..  I give her many choices to try but it seems like she said she already tried those. So she has to be strong and be patient. Probably she has to show some maturity so that the parents can trust her and be less strict. Yes, whatever happens, we need to look at our own mistake first. Self reflection is the best solution for anything .. Whenever something gone wrong, look at our own selves first. May be we have not done enough to deserve some freedom. May be! 

Most important, this incident made me think? How am i as a mother? How about my children or my daughters? What do they think of me?.. Yes, we do have conflict at times.. but i do hope i have done them just over all these years. I very much adore my children. My two daughters are just marvelous. They are excellent students.. i never have to tell them to go read their books because they do it anyway. So alhamdulillah, i thank Allah for what He has given me.. and my son.. of course, boys are not like girls. With him, i have to say, stop watching TV, stop playing your game, stop this and that.. time for your book... Well! i guess it is ok... boys will be boys, like they all say. 

He can be very funny too - one time when i was rearranging my room and put my desk so that it will be very near to my bed, he said "Wow, that is lazy... i even have to exercise my eyes when i watch the TV". They way he said that, I can't be angry but laugh! He is funny sometime. He has many jokes which he likes to tell now and then. One thing he really likes is to say... "Oh, i know what 10 x 10 is!!!  We don't understand why he really likes this 10 x 10 thingy.. he would say that in many different ways .. 

He is a big boy now but we are too busy most of the time that we feel like we have not been there for him much. One time he went to the environment center and that night we went somewhere. While we were in the car, we have to listen to him about this environment thing.. like he said, do you know why this plastic bag .. this and that... and he went on and on about environment. It is good that the children learn things from school coz i know that if i were to tell him all these things, he might not be that interested.

Well, i just want to write about all these is to cherish these moments... one day i will look back to these days and say.. remember the time when.... ??? We say this all the time when it comes to memories of our children. When my daughters were younger, they sometimes like to act. One time they act following the movie "Pengantin Popular". They watched the movie so many times that they can remember the script. So we even make a video of them acting. Those were the good old days.

I have to go back to my writing now.. it is too time consuming to write about your life... imagine the pen of Allah which wrote about our decree... every second of our lives are recorded. Amazing... and we took so much effort just to write too little. Subhanallah. May Allah help us in all our good efforts and keep us in His path. Ameen.

My new website

It feels like your first day of school. Everything is new and you start fresh... I just need a new friendly website as i think my old website is not that great. I need to put more ideas.. anything in my mind that is worth sharing. We'll see - everything starts with the first step and there is always a first time in everything.. in good things, insya'Allah!!!