Appreciation

Sometimes in life, you need someone to pat your back and say, "You did great!". But most of the time, people do not respond that way. Even when you think you have achieved the highest, they simply forgot or just don't bother. Does it really matter? Of course, we should say, no.. but deep in our hearts, we still need all those appreciation to be heard. We are just being human. Allah do not make life that straight forward. We are tested by people around us. Even those who seem kind, they don't really care or they just don't understand... my son would describe this situation as SAD. 

Even when some of us are back in my office, no one in the meeting take any initiative to just announce that yes.. she is back and we welcome her. No... I guess we malaysians are not that expressive. I remember when I was back in UK when I had my viva... passed my other international friends and they celebrated me with hugs and kisses along with the congratulation wishes. 

I believe being appreciative or even expressive is very important to relate with people nicely. It is good to be able to say something about anything around you... what's wrong being a bit more alert of what people wear or do or behave or anything at all. If you are a Head of Dept or a boss, remember to congratulate on good occasions or welcome people in meetings. It makes them feel appreciated and help build the team spirit. Isn't it good to be able to work where you feel belong? A 2 sec thing might give a long impact on those you lead. 

So remember to appreciate those around you and see if you can make a difference! 

DREAM.. BAD?

It is good to be back. I have not written for sometime now. I've just finished compiling my thesis and sent them for binding so that I would be able to mail them to my university. I am happy that I have sort them out... oh!!! It was a messy process - having to do many copies and printing color and non-color separately - at last, I abandoned the copies and print all 6 copies on one printer so that I'm sure I do not miss any pages. Only those who had gone through similar experience will understand what i mean.. it is not as easy as it seems.

Anyway, I want to talk about a different subject through what I have experienced recently.

I have learnt through experience that when  you have a bad dream, you should not tell anyone. I have not had bad dreams but recently, I had terrible dreams that made me so restless... I know I should say it but I want others to learn from my lesson... so I hope it is not considered bad dreams after all. Anyway, when I woke up from the dream, I was glad that it was only a dream and wonder why I had such dreams... it was 2 similar consecutive dream that made me sweat. I slept early that night. When I woke up, I found my son still awake. He was, as usual, on the internet, playing Gaia - I suppose. I did not say anything to him. 

Then, he said to me that I should not put the doll on the table in my room. (I bought many dolls in UK - intentionally for my nieces but as they are so adorable I did not have a heart to give them away. So I kept 2 dolls with me and that evening, I was going through my things when I found them. Admiring how beautiful they are, I put one of them on the table in my room. These dolls were porcelain dolls with beautiful gowns on them with laces and other accessories). My son continued by saying that the angles will not come into my room because of these dolls.  I looked at him and immediately I said to myself "O.. that's why!" He asked me what I meant by that but I said nothing. It dawned on me that my dreams must have something to do with the angles not coming to my room. It could be. 

Imagine when angles are deterred from entering your house... how terrible is that. So I figured.. it is not worth it.. why keep all these beautiful figures in your room that keep away the blessings from entering your life. It is so true that sometimes when you think something is good for you - it might not be. So we have to be wise.. the morale of the story??? It doesn't matter how beautiful things are.... if they don't bring anything good, keep away!! Have I learnt my lesson well? Yes, I don't want to end up having bad dreams anymore!

Then I wonder.. how about those people who keep statues in their houses??? How do they expect the angles to come into their houses? I guess to some people, it doesn't really matter ... but if you want to keep close to Allah, Allah will help you clear the way - wallahu 'alam.

MY FLIGHTS

Life is so much interesting. On my trip to Swansea and back, I managed to meet with interesting people. On my way back to Malaysia, I was sitted beside a lady whom I found very interesting. The 7 or more hours of flight doesn’t seem that long. We chatted about many different subjects and end up finding that we do share kindred spirit. She is writing a novel of her life and I have always believe that everyone should write something about his or her life. Many of her views I shared. Although she is not a muslim, we do find similarities in our thoughts. How interesting!

Allah is great! He enables us to relate to each other through different means – we can share ideas, thoughts, experiences, love, passion and many more. It doesn’t matter where you are from and how you look like, somehow you just relate. I believe that if we open up our hearts to listen to others, we will be able to be successful in life. Not only successful, but people will love us. Sometimes, you don’t understand why you are loved but with sincere hearts and intention, Allah makes anything possible. In some people, relating to people doesn’t come naturally. But it takes years of experience to improve and to realise that you really have improved when you see changes in people when they relate to you. People are mirrors to you. You can’t see yourself or how good or how bad you behave. Most often than not, I believe what goes around comes around. We can only control ourselves and relate to others the best way we know how. No matter how people treated you, most important is you treat them with kindness to please Allah. You don’t need their praise of how kind you are or what you have done for them, but it is all for Allah’s sake. I have met many people in Swansea whom taught me so much about human relation and I really respect the way they sacrifice their comfort for others. Their sincerity, you can see in their eyes and in their words. May Allah bless them and help us to be like those whom Allah pleases.

My Lost Quran

In this flight (London - Doha), I lost my favourite Quran. I love this Quran because I wrote important points of Sheikh Abdullah’s teaching. How can I be so careless? I am sad because I feel like I have lost my sheikh! O Allah, help me to replace this with some thing better. Perhaps you want me to go on with my life. I know that I am still holding on to the memories of Swansea and thinking about how I miss my sheikhs. Perhaps You want me to let go and continue searching for that light somewhere else wherever I go. To have hope that You will guide no matter where we are. Is that it??? I remember once Brother Asim told us that when his sheikh was leaving Swansea, he thought, that’s it. He’ll never get someone like him. But Allah replaces his sheikh with another sheikh. Probably the same thing will happen to me. Will I find the same light that I found in Swansea, in Malaysia now? I believe Allah will guide me, ameen. O Allah… I always have good opinion on You. Sometimes when I think of You, I feel like having a big hole in my heart.. how can I describe it? Your love is so great that I feel that I am missing something that hurts me. And when I think of the prophet, I feel the same. It is like you want to meet him so much that you don’t really know how it feels like if you meet him but you sure feel very hurt inside because somehow you don’t really know if you can meet him very soon. Of course you have hope of the meeting, but you know you can’t tell when the meeting will happen. How great it is to be able to meet someone who is mercy to mankind. I have met great people that change my life.. surely meeting the prophet is like having the moon in your hand.

But if that feeling is lost, you will feel more hurt. It is like you have lost that special link with Allah… When I think of my Quran again, I can feel a deep hole in my heart. How can I stand losing years of tafseer lessons. Imam Al-Ghazali can afford to memorise his learning materials but not me. But as Allah said, a muslim should have no grief nor fear. So I stand strong and trust that Allah will surely replace it with something better. Yes, he will. Soon! I believe it will be soon!

 

Life is a journey...

You started off as a naive little girl,

thinking that everything is good and everyone is kind,

you did't feel scared 'coz you didn't know of the danger,

you enjoyed life and made friends with others,

but sometimes you got hurt and did not fit in.

Then you learnt that life can be difficult at times,

especially when things did not work out well as expectations were set high,

You struggle, tried every lane and sometimes you got lost,

so most of the time, you followed your instinct and hoped for the best,

you did not make it that well,

but you thought it is good enough

for when you looked at others who have less,

you felt grateful for what you have.

The lane that you took can sometimes be lonely,

So you needed companion to keep the spirit high,

you searched for someone special and love with all your heart,

but realised the only perfect love is love for your Lord.

Like others, you got married and with it, came responsibilities and other things too,

you learnt to share and grew up as a lady,

then came along these little girls and boys so tiny and adorable,

The love for them keeps you two together and steady,

You have to be strong for they needed you so,

Good times and bad times that is how you grow!

Little girls and boys grew up in front of your eyes,

they were full of joy and reminded you of yourself,

What you wanted to be and never have been,

What you wanted to have and never get,

for life is short and you can only have that much,

It is all written, whatever will be yours will be,

For when you have trust, you will always strive

You remind them now and then what life is all about,

How in life you cannot get everything that you wanted,

You have to strive hard and have trust at the same time,

You need to have patience and never lose hope,

To understand Allah's patience, you have to be patient yourself,

To understand Allah's kindness, you have to be kind too,

To understand Allah's mercy, you need to be merciful.

How true when you remind them you are actually reminding yourself!

Now that little girls and boys are already grown up,

with all the experiences, you feel more mature,

you are older now but your heart is always young,

you feel that life is just beginning but your time is almost end,

you want to tell the world of your thoughts and the paths you have taken

There is so much to tell, you are afraid time is running out.

To Allah, you are grateful for His kindness that you have gone this far,

This journey is indeed so blessed you can't believe how much you have achieved,

hopefully it will end with goodness and that goodness will be mentioned all through,

those who left will be the witness of how much you have contributed,

the knowledge you have gained, benefited and willingness to share.

Then strive hard my children for life is short,

and never forget to take little from this Dunia but strive harder for the hereafter,

We are all wayfarer on our way to the ultimate destination,

Remember that life is a journey and a short journey indeed.

- mama

This poem is dedicated to my lovely children - Rozie, Liyana and Amir. 

LIFE IS ........

For a long time it had seemed to me

That life was about to begin – real life.

But there was always some obstacle in the way.

Something to be got through first, some unfinished business,

time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin.

At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.

B. Howland

Game is almost OVER

“The real voyage of discovery consists not only in seeking new lands, but in seeing with new eyes” - Marcel Proust.

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful. First of all, I praise Allah for making this journey possible, keeping me high when the tide is low.

PhD is a long process, full of its twists and turns. But as Allah said, “So, verily, with every difficulty, there is ease! Verily, with every difficulty, there is ease!” (94:5, 6). Indeed it is true. In that difficult period, I felt my life was blessed with so many great memories. Things I had no time to do whilst I was working, I was able to do during the PhD period. Everyone has his or her own challenges in life and I do not want to belittle your own challenges. I am sure we are trained to be strong. We have gone through a lot of adjustments in our lives. I remember how my son had to stay alone at home long hours and we left him with the internet and television as a substitute of our absence (both of us were doing PhD). May Allah understands and guide us to do what is best.

I meant these words when I wrote at the beginning of my thesis:

“I want to express my deepest gratitude to my husband, Mohd Radzi and my lovely children, Rozie, Liyana and Amir for being there for me. I have been too busy to be a perfect wife or a perfect mother but their supports and understanding made all the imperfections seem negligible”.

To Amir, I am deeply sorry for the long lost hours and I hope in the future, I would be able to compensate for that.

One respect in which that I feel I am so lucky, is to have friends all around me in Swansea. The University Mosque community, especially, is very supportive and I am truly grateful to Allah that through these friends, I find comfort and love. We share so many little things but when you look back, these little things are the invaluable memories that we cherish all through our lives.

I know if I do not broadcast this, it will spread anyway. So I want to break the tradition by announcing this myself:

Yesterday, 1^st October, 2008 (supposed to be Eid day), at 9.15am I started my viva and Alhamdulillah, I am happy here to announce that I have been successful, except for minor corrections. However, this is not the main issue here, but I want to share some pointers so that, perhaps, those of you who are still striving will find them helpful.

Specifically for viva:

1. It is good to tell your good friends when you are having a viva. Ask them to make dua for you so that Allah will help ease the process. A lot of sincere dua from good friends might help ease the process. I told all my friends at the mosque that I was having viva and asked them to make dua for me.

2. Be relaxed. Many of these examiners are very kind at heart. They have read your thesis. Their job is to determine whether or not you did it yourself and you know it well. So just be involved in the conversation and use the time to talk so that they won’t have time to ask more questions.

3. I have a bottle of zam zam water with me in the viva room. This zam zam water was given by an Egyptian friend. It helps me to relax and to think clearly, Alhamdulillah. When I drank the water, I asked Allah to help strengthen my memory so that I could recall what I had done and gone through. Also ask for ease of speech. While examiners are talking, you can drink and make dua in your heart. Also, you might not have time to have breakfast before going for viva at 9.00 am. Zam zam water is known to satisfy hunger.

4. Make solatul hajat prior to the viva and ask those who are close to you to do it too. Duas from our mothers are the best. May Allah bless them and reward them enormously. (So remember to call your mother in Malaysia soon as you finish the viva. She has the right to know it first hand before anyone else).

5. Keep a good opinion of Allah that He will grant you success. Be positive with it as soon as you enter the room. It is ok if you are not too prepared with the literature review because your nervousness might block your mental process.

6. My family in Malaysia recited Surah Yaseen while I was in the viva room. I don’t know if this is sunnah but any ayat from the Quran is beneficial. I heard that reading Yaseen in the morning helps ease the day so I read Yaseen before I went for my viva.

7. Preparation for the viva should start from when you first embark on your PhD. You need English as a tool to communicate your answers well. It is important that while doing PhD, try to speak and write as much English as possible. Try making as many international friends as possible and engage yourself in conversation although you feel it is mentally tiring. This is a good exercise to engage in conversation with your examiners during the viva. It is not good to give “Yes” or “No” answers only.

8. During the viva, if the examiner points out a major mistake that you think is not a mistake, defend yourself. Some examiners (the brutal ones) like to challenge your work as well as your thoughts. So be ready to answer them and DO NOT say SORRY. (My supervisor pointed this out before the viva because he said there is a tendency for Malaysian students to agree with the examiners without trying to defend themselves).

9. This might not be too related to viva, but it is good to use Latex for thesis writing. It helps to do correction faster and easier than using Words. All figures and tables even references will be sorted out automatically. If you have any question on Latex, I might be able to help. I am not an expert, but I do get help from my lab mates. I found using Latex on macbook was especially useful.

These are some of the main points of my own experience. Other people went through different experiences. Either way, the most important is that you get your PhD.

I know you all might be wondering why I am writing all these. But all through this process, I waited for someone to give me some hints of what they have gone through. Although we might be very confident in our work, anything can happen within those 4 walls. Isn’t it nice to be extra prepared? And all the supplications and recitations are to relate all your effort back to Allah. We make an effort but indeed, He is the One who decides.

My PhD is almost over now. The voyage is coming to an end. I am glad I have been able to embark on this journey and I have learnt so much. I have found MYSELF in this process – able to know more of my weakness and my strengths. I also hope that we will all be supporting each other in our effort to seek knowledge and self improvement. And the most important thing is to have a correct intention for the PhD. If your deeds are for Allah, you will be given a great reward.

Truly, like I said, it has been a great experience. Just be patient while you are in the process. Only those who are patient shall receive their reward in full without reckoning(39:10). Enjoy the moments when you are benefiting from this painful process. Perhaps with patience and open mindedness, we would all be able to not to only seek new lands but also to see with new eyes.

Best wishes to all. May Allah help us to be successful and humble at the same time.

Jazakallahukhair.

Viva is around the corner

Life is interesting. You sometimes will come to a critical point in your life that you will think like .. that's it!!! If i can go through this, a magic door will open for me! A whole new world will begin. That is how I think of my viva. Many people who do PhD would think the same, I guess. We, the PhD students will always say something like.. oo, I'll do this after PhD. It is like your whole life is on hold, just sitting there in idle waiting for the PhD to end. And my viva is coming!! I don't know what to feel. I woke up in the middle of the nights thinking about it. Sometimes, I just can't go over my thesis anymore... 4 years is too long already. Imagine people do PhD in Germany for 7 years.

Once this PhD is over, I have alot of stories to tell. Hope I can compile them in a book - the twists and turns of a PhD student's life. Wouldn't it be great!!! May Allah help us all in our journey towards success in this world and the hereafter.